Panic then a sigh

This has been a hard yet joyous month for me. In many ways, this blog is the most intimate of my writings. My books are curated, edited, and carefully structured. They are a version of me. From the past mostly. But this blog is the now. On the page for you to see. If you read closely, you'll see that it's just me, warts and all. At 3 am.

Earlier this month, I realized it was time for a change, mostly at work. If you had been reading my blogs, it was obvious that I needed something different. Yet, I also realized that I wanted to stay as a deputy public defender. 

Always a forward mover and thinker, and at times too reactive, and controlling, I decided to take it slow. I meditated and visualized. What did I really need and crave? What were the things that needed adjusting? 

While I was thinking, meditating and lighting my candles, and using my sage spray, the universe took control. That's what happens when you surrender. A door opened up (I knocked, it answered) and I walked right thru it into post conviction, still at my office, where I can use my experience in mental health to my clients' benefit. 

It going to be a life affirming experience for me. I have to change floors and departments, but I'll still get to try and save lives and do my part, small as it is on a micro level, to end mass incarceration.

So there it is. Panic turned to a sigh of acceptance. A surrender that led to resolution and change. This morning at 3 am, I realized that I'm right where I'm meant to be and there's nothing to fear. The universe knows exactly where it's taking me. And eventually so will I. 

Breathing Deep

This morning, I realized I hadn't posted in almost two weeks. There's been a lot going on. In my day job, I may be transferring units and in my writing, everything is coming up roses.

Anxiety is a hurdle for me. Always. I get caught up in worry which we know, or should know, begets more worry. It's counterproductive. 

The universe is telling me to just breathe and that I'm okay. I'm on the right path. I know this, but I think, repeat it aloud. So I do.

What is is. It just is. 

Something else big is on the horizon for me. Something positive and true. I just know it. It could be a year away, but it's there. 

Yet still, the now means something. Sitting here looking in my shih tzus eyes for a second. It is. We are. 

Then I write. What is writing for me? Reaching that place where I let myself disappear and lose myself in it. It is a moment when I can truly let go. I must remember this. Creativity is always there just waiting to be tapped into.

So I breathe deep. Daydream. Imagine. And breathe again.

Living the dream

Thinking about my dad today. About how he is gone except in my memories. I wonder what he would think if he could see me now. Perhaps he might drawl, "Jenny keep living those dreams."

Yesterday, I ran around all day. A signing at Barnes & Noble went till 4 pm. I met so many cool people that I didn't want to leave. Then I took my mom (who had went with me to keep me company) to a quick dinner at Cafe Rio and still had to get her home. 

I didn't walk in my house until almost seven and had another event beginning soon online. It was a lot. But also a lot of joy. And espresso.

Chewbacca (my shih tzu) was sulking from not seeing me all day, so he refused to guest host my IG with me. But luckily, my good friend Lucy really shined by co hosting with me and interviewing me! I was in the hot seat. Well not so hot thank goodness because it rained so my podcast studio was cooled down. And Lucy asked fantastic questions. 

Of course, as with all IG live, there were tech issues, but we went with the flow & we worked it out. That is what it's about. Being present, prepared and just doing it. Perfection is a myth.

Next weekend, I'm running around again. I have a reading in Pasadena on Saturday and on Sunday afternoon, another group reading at a brewery in San Dimas.   

Then I have a weekend off to spend with my husband Adrian. It's important that I balance my writing events with time for my love. He's everything to me and a big supporter. It must be hard at times for me to be gone all weekend, but he knows, I'm living the dream, one that I've wanted forever and ever. 

And on that note, today I'm applying to the residency at Hedgebrook!

So here's to you. Us. Life. What are your dreams? Share it with me. And how to visualize them into reality.

Cha cha changes

Things are changing. I knew it. Perhaps I willed it into being and manifested something new.

I'll be transferring from my mental health unit to a new unit at my office focused on writing and post conviction issues. That means I'll be looking at cases of people in prison. As some know, I worked at a clinic for post conviction while in law school at USC. It was something I loved doing. 

The new assignment will be writing intensive which is something I've been craving. 

It was a hard decision to seek change. I've been in my unit for years and years. I love my courtroom and my colleagues. But change is good. 

Change keeps us motivated and fresh. Stagnation equals staleness. Comfort is nice but challenging yourself is better.

So here I go. Wish me luck.

Today is the day

Today. The Now. The Present. Big P Present.

I've had a lot on my mind. I've been wrestling with some huge issues of who I am professionally. I've always defined myself by my public defense job, my writing, & my persona. But who am I really?

Last week, on the same day, I did a training at my office for new attorneys (along with a colleague) and an interview of a writer for my podcast. What I realized is that I really enjoy those parts of my professional life. But do I like the other parts? Do they bring me joy?

Being in court in 1368 land is something I've done for so long that I am used to it. I am really good at it even. Some days better than others. But it has taken its toll. On my body and mind. On my spirit. 

The sadness and trauma I've had to witness is quite overwhelming. Ask anyone, we manage that calendar and courtroom well, we do. We have a great judge and caring and diligent staff, but it's fucking hard. Thursday, after handling 16 cases, I came home and cried in my car. My head felt like it was going to split open. I said aloud. "I can't do this anymore."

But I did. On Friday, I went into court and it was much better that day. Less cases. I took my time. I could breath. But now I know for sure. Something's gotta change.

Dreaming

"Dreaming is free." Blondie said so and hence, it must be true.

Or maybe the only thing dreaming costs is expectation. Hope is useful you see. It lets us see what we really want. How important it is. 

On Friday, I attended an awards ceremony at LA City College for the 2022 International Latino Book Awards. My first book, "Portrait of a Deputy Public Defender or how I became a punk rock lawyer", was up for an award. 

Poor Adrian. I made him go hours early. That's how my anxiety manifests. It's like what was I worried about? We weren't going to LAX...

So we sat and waited. I drank a nitro coffee from the snack shop and ate chips. We met a writer from South America and I exchanged books with him. Adrian translated. I got more and more hyper. Starting to sweat, I registered once the ceremony opened (about 11:30 and we arrived about 9:30). I scanned through the program, and found my category called the Mariposa Award (butterfly in Spanish) for best new book, nonfiction in English. My award category was toward the end. Of course it was. This was a test. 

By noon, we were inside the hall. I fidgeted. Took pictures. Sat. Tried to be present as I watched the ceremony. Due to technical difficulties with virtual presenters, the ceremony went way over. By the time they reached my category, I was a wreck. Too much nitro coffee and too much perspiration. 

When they announced the bronze and silver winners, I started to shake. Visibly. And cry. My name hadn't been called yet and thus I knew. I had won gold. 

After my 30 second speech, and receiving my award (from the ambassador to Mexico & lawyer/counsel for the Mexican consulate!), I was finally able to relax. We had lunch and I networked and flitted around and was interviewed for a podcast. Met a few Latina writers who had also won and we hung out. I was happy. 

Looking back, I am so filled with joy. Everything seems surreal. Almost like magic. My dreams are coming true, you all see that right? I once dreamed of being a lawyer, and I accomplished it. But that law degree wasn't for me the way writing is and always will be. Writing hits me in my soul.

As a young girl, I would sit in the park and read and it was my solace. My haven. Books were and are my passion. And to have my dream come true of becoming an award winning author, well that's everything. 

It really is. 

Truth be told

I share a lot on here. I know this. This blog is a little window into my soul. It is a window I've created here. You get a peek. But no one knows anyone really do they? Or maybe they do. 

This has been a hard week. I've decided to take a semester off from school. With work, my health issues, losing Frodo, my podcast and my book promotion, it was just too much. I didn't have the bandwidth. 

Plus, even though it was just one class, it stressed me out. On my day off, I spent all day on homework. The unnamed teacher was vague yet demanding. Her book length syllabus and Moodle page were unintelligible and there were so many rules and different instructions and assignments. My foggy brain could not handle it. I read her syllabus multiple times and still did not get the homework right. I thought, was it me? I don't think so. 

And so I went with my instincts and decided, life is short, why pay money to be tortured especially when I'm doing this only for me. My advisor was understanding and after I jumped through a number of hoops, he gave me a leave of absence for the semester.

Now, I'm not criticizing the unnamed workshop professor, or maybe I am. Maybe that class just wasn't for me. Maybe, I'm just too old for this shit. Surely. I can't do nonsense. My goal is to make my life better not worse and if something doesn't bring me joy, and especially if I'm paying them to do it, forget it. 

So I let it go. Or maybe I'm letting it go now. 

Here I am. Telling my truth. As usual, probably too much information. But if you see me, you know why. It's because I have to share my words. On the page. I know no other way to be me. 

Thanks for reading.