Panorama of San Bernardino

Saturday, August 3, 2013

The hardest button

"I had opinions that didn't matter/I had a brain that felt like pancake batter/I got a backyard with nothing in it/Except a stick, a dog and a box with something in it./The hardest button to button/The hardest button to button/The hardest button to button/The hardest button to button, Ah oh" (The White Stripes with lyrics by Jack White)

"Hit the button" were the words said to me.  In other words, make a decision.  What do you want?  And do you really want what you think you want?  Yes, I do.

I want to be a trial lawyer.  I want to try felony cases.  I know I can.  It's a knowing that will never go away.

I agonized over the process.  I didn't sleep for two weeks.  I have never been able to divorce my body from my mind.  My stress shows up in insomnia, stomach aches, and intestinal distress.  I wish I had the ability to not give a shit what other people think.  But, I am forty and at this point, I think I should just accept that I am a people pleaser and that I care what people think.  

The punk rock girl in me wants to shrug and say who cares if you don't like me and if you don't know me.  That kind of rebellious attitude would not work well for a professional adult at a public agency.

Instead, I did the opposite and opened myself up.  I was open, honest, truthful and raw.  I probably gave too much information about who I am.  If this was a poker game, I went all in.

The funny part is, it worked.  They like me, I think they really, really like me.

And I like me.  In the end, that is what is most important.  Really.