Panorama of San Bernardino

Thursday, July 25, 2013

The Seekers, the Fixers and the Thinkers

Whenever I think I have it all figured out, life kicks me in the ass to say, no you don't.

I am confident and sometimes, just sometimes, that confidence can make me forget that everyone has an agenda and that people's agendas don't always match.  And, if agendas do not match, what happens is that people are at cross purposes and it doesn't matter what you do, you will never meet each other's expectations.

Now, I am not going to get too specific, so whoever (or whatever) people think this conversation is aimed at, so be it.  What I am trying to say here is that my goal for the next week is to try and figure out people's agendas.  

In short, what the fuck do people want?

I know what I want.  I want to be appreciated and told as often as possible how fabulous I am.  Let's call this type (my type) the seekers of validation.  When I don't get that validation, I can turn surly and off kilter.  I think I give people this in return (hmmm, some may disagree).  I have the tendency to be over complimentary if I appreciate someone.  People are wonderful and good for the most part.  What I have learned is that this need in me and others may be difficult for some to handle or understand.  Don't you already know how much I adore you they may ask.... Yes, I know down deep inside, but I need to hear it again and again and again.  People may also misinterpret this seeking as weakness or neediness and weak we are not.  Because, in the end, all seekers, including myself, know how brilliant we are.

Others show their love through criticism. You know who you are.  Let's call these types the fixers of the universe.  These people love to tell others what they are doing wrong and think they are being helpful.  Yet, what the fixers don't realize is that this helpfulness can be taken to heart as criticism as opposed to friendly advice.  For whatever reason, I gravitate to these fixer type personalities probably because I am a hot stinking mess most days.  If not for my husband, I would wear my clothes inside out.  I guess what I am saying is that these types need to temper their criticism with some compliments and tell me how great I am (or whoever they are talking to, but shit, we all know this is all really about me).

And then, there are the silent types.  Those who just listen.  I will call these types the thinkers of the world.  I like these people because I like to talk.  The problem with these "thinkers" is that they may have an agenda and they will never voice it.  This kind of person is dangerous for me and other seekers of validation because they may use our information against us and us seekers just blab on and on never knowing we are harming ourselves in the process.  

That's all I got.  Sometimes this blog is my way of thinking out loud and trying to make sense of the universe.

Till tomorrow. Or the day after.

Sunday, July 21, 2013

A mess of things

I am a mess.  I am anxious and irritable most of the time.  I have been sober for a year come next weekend and what I have realized down my new path of sobriety is that life is hard.  There are days that make me wanna drink.  Scratch that.  I never needed an excuse for drinking.  Or better yet, a great day was as good an excuse for drinking as a bad day was.  Drinkers don't need an excuse is my point.  We drink because there is something unquiet within us that needs to be muffled and alcohol is the elixir that fixes it and makes us feel normal.

My new normal is far better than my old normal.  Yes, I am still an anxious, quivering mess who tries to be funny and confident (too hard sometimes I am sure).

And I can't take my husband's or anyone else's criticism without crying inside.  I am still that six year old girl at the front of the class craving validation.  Love me.  Yet, being sober has made me deal.  Not drinking has forced me to confront my issues in a way I never could as long as I had my German beers or a Malibu and Diet Coke in hand.

Just don't ask me to give up my Diet Coke.

Here I am world.  This is me.  Take it or leave it.  I am really talking to myself here I know...