Growing Up (see my substack)

On day 207

Weeks are going by in my sobriety so quick. I’m on day 207. I’m managing. I am. I am more than six months sober and life is life.

Yesterday was quite a hectic 1368 court day. More chaotic than normal. It's always chaos, but usually it is controlled chaos. Yesterday, everything was off kilter. There were just too many cases on calendar, and too many private attorneys who can, at times, take up a lot of time with the judge because our court is very specialized and technical.

Still, I don't always mind it. I sometimes find chaos comforting. It feels normal to me. I find a peaceful environment harder to deal with sometimes.

Growing up, everything seemed off kilter. My parents would fight, then make up. It was cyclical. My sisters and I would watch almost as if it was one of our television shows, one with a soundtrack full of expletives.

1980s television was the best. Facts of Life and Different Strokes were two of our favorites along with Fantasy Island. All involved fantasies of a sort. Facts of Life was about a boarding school of girls, something I yearned for as a kid, a place I could just sit and read for days without interruption. Different Strokes was about two orphan poor kids adopted into a rich Penthouse living family, and wealth was a dream of mine. And then, of course, Fantasy Island, where your darkest imaginings could become reality.

That dream or fantasy of a life was never reality. Truth is, chaos is the flip side of peace. Light versus dark. Kind versus cruel. It’s up to us to choose the force we want to be in the world.

So from now on, even in chaos, I am going to try harder to be serene and slow down. I want to be a benevolent force for good. Why add to an already chaotic situation and environment? I will aim to be the light, always.

That’s all I got.

On day 207. #recovery #sobriety #substack #memoir 

Go to my substack! https://lifeofjem.substack.com/p/growing-up?r=7cq4g&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQKNjYyODU2ODM3OQABHvFDftEwnqYAZfVSwRKPR3ZgOUsSaJlo1O3T2SdbApuAVajxB4TTFLzDXKB1_aem_FmIGKg-Fgq3dgAC2ubDluw&utm_id=97758_v0_s00_e0_tv2_a1demoo4mlfjz7&triedRedirect=true

Hamnet and Me

In my book of essays that I've been in a mad rush editing the first draft of (a collection on grief and trauma) I have an essay on Hamlet, insanity and me. I love the play Hamlet. There's something about it that mesmerizes me. 

Then the night of the Oscars, I finally watched Hamnet when I couldn't stream the Oscars live due to a network issue. At first, I thought it started a little slow. Then soon, I was all in. I fell into the movie like I was diving into a pool. I stayed in it. Weeping. All of my sadness about life omnipresent. 

The young boy who dies, this is not a spoiler at this point, is a twin. His fraternal girl twin sister is dying of the plague. He comes to lay with her and comfort her. He sees death and decides to trade places with her and be brave as his father (William Shakespeare) told him to be when his father left for London. Then when Hamnet dies, he's shown in a dark place all alone, crying out for his mother.

Is this what death is like? It was terrifying. I was weeping and praying he would find a way out of the darkness to the light. And in our realm, his mother, the witchy woman who married Shakespeare, is beyond devastated. For Shakespeare, life moves on though he clearly grieves deeply as well. But for her, nothing is ever the same. 

Then Shakespeare makes and stages his play Hamlet, about a melancholy Prince. The father is a mere ghost of a man. And I will stop here with my description. You have to see it. It moved me beyond words and it showed that the way to work through the grief and find the light in this realm is by putting one's blood on the page and stage. 

It is everything you see. Just everything. The only way through. So I do. 

JEM's review of On the Mad River

So I just read a book called "On the Mad River" by Lucrecia Guerrero published by Mouthfeel Press. It drew me in immediately. The characterization of people and place was mesmerizing. Without giving too much away, I will say that it's a suspense novel about a young Latina woman searching for her purpose. 

She is a woman with big dreams of one day being on the stage, but she was never supported in her dreams by her family. So she runs into the arms of a man, and then runs from his arms to a small town in Ohio where the drama begins. 

What she finds there is not what she expected. Full of intrigue, romance, sharp dialogue and depth of character, this book will move you beyond words. Go get it now!

A new year, a new way

I've been neglecting you dear blog. I am a bit obsessed with writing my recovery substack (https://lifeofjem.substack.com/p/powerlessness).

But I'm back. And it's a new year. The shih tzus are over a year old. My job is busy. Life is moving along, and I'm 54 years old and still working on self improvement. 

(Even though, the world is falling apart. The sky is not falling yet...)

This year, I am living life a new way. Sober. Peaceful. Zen. I really love where I am. My mood is good. I'm grateful. I know I have a lot. I'm hopeful that this year I will finish my novel. It's about a truck stop waitress drinking in dystopian times. 

So this is my new year. Love you all! See you soon, JEM

By the way, the second edition of Tales of an Inland Empire Girl was just released. You can get it here: https://www.pelekinesis.com/

The days after

The days after Christmas can be melancholy. This year, we have Friday, Saturday and Sunday. That's a whole weekend. I don't feel melancholy, but I do feel restless.

Then I found a book to read. "The Road to Tender Hearts". I always know by the first chapter. After reading the first page of this book, I thought, I'm in. Plus the title. "Tender Mercies" is one of my favorite movies with Robert Duvall. Anything with a heart in the title is great too. The film "Crazy Heart" for example. And they're all about drunks.

I'm a drunk. I inherited it from my father. I was very good at it and it worked until it didn't. But I have to say, the longer I'm sober, and I'm just at 104 days, the more I see why I drank. Life is hard sober. People can be annoying or downright mean. I think I do have a tender heart in my soul. And I let people mess with it because I could drink my sorrows away.

But no more. This next phase of my life will be me. Just dealing with my shit and not taking anyone else's. That's it. I've decided. Sober JEM is gonna be a little or maybe a lot different. 

And that will be a good thing. 

Merry Christmas everybody

Yesterday was Christmas. Today is the day after. 

There is always a let down after a holiday. I'm not drinking, so I am not hung over, but I feel a bit melancholy and sad. That is, until I look at the cool black and white Fender bass guitar my hubby got me. With an amp! And then I feel excited because I'm going to teach myself to play. I can learn right?

Plus, gal bassists are bad ass. Kathy Valentine of the Go-Gos. Kim Deal of The Pixies. Kim Gordon of Sonic Youth. 

I wish my name began with a K, so I could fit it. Kanita. KEM. 

Cool Jerk has a cool baseline. As does Gigantic by the Pixies. Any song by Sonic Youth. Oh and Fascination Street by The Cure. 

I'm 54 years old, sober as fuck and I want to learn bass. That's an anti cliche. So let's make my new year resolution to be an anti cliche. Let's not fit the mold. I am gonna be me. 

Just me. Shih tzus and all. 

90 days and still writing

Cross posted on my substack here: https://open.substack.com/pub/lifeofjem/p/90-days-6e4?r=7cq4g&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=false&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQKNjYyODU2ODM3OQABHkiF3VHw750g1WV9J42TDA3XvUcMhQqCgigSX_QC42PnU_46qV_Oaw-ecmke_aem_XRsm0MJfpdmtpcwS8p6CNQ

I never thought I would love meetings. Every day, for the last 90 days, I have done at least one.

I had to find the meeting that worked for me and I have. My meeting, in the early morning of course, is perfect. The people in my small group are supportive and wonderful people.

I always thought people in recovery would be boring, but it’s the opposite. These are all people who have lived lives of quiet desperation (paraphrasing Thoreau), including myself.

I have found some peace by my 90th day. I don’t have the same need to always be on the go.

In fact, I love staying home on the couch watching a movie with the dogs and hubby. Last night, I watched Little Women, the black & white 1930s version with Katherine Hepburn as Jo. It was so lovely. I love that movie. Although no one else in my household does. It’s a testament to the power of family and writing. Of course, it’s my jam. Jo figures out by the end to write what she knows best.

Then, I watched most of The Santa Clause with my husband. I went to bed by 9 pm. And before I fell asleep, I forgot to thank the universe for everything. So I will do that now.

90 days. I made it. A long way to go. Still writing, as always, on day 90.