Panorama of San Bernardino

Thursday, July 26, 2012

The absence makes the heart grow fonder conundrum

I am in Irvine all week on a conference for work. And, I am homesick. Very homesick. I am homesick for the sweet smell of my dogs and my husbands thick head of hair lying in our king bed beside me. It may seem odd to focus on his hair, but you haven't seen my husband's thick black head of hair which only grows more shaggy and floppy with age while mine gets thinner and more brittle. Does absence really make the heart grow fonder? I don't know if it is the absence so much as the longing for that person or animal (which are one and the same in my world as my animals are people to me). It is the remembrances of the day to day ordinary rote routine which seems compelling in its absence in a way that is not compelling in reality. I even miss the way my husband hogs the shower in the morning. He is six foot four and taking a shower with him is like taking a shower with a huge tree in the way. His frame blocks all my water stream and I have to wait until he is done. I miss that. I lived by myself for many years and when I was in law school in Los Angeles, Adrian and I only saw each other on weekends. When I moved to Texas after law school, we saw each other once a month for three years (not including a few extended vacations). While in Houston, I was used to sleeping alone, going to the movies alone and being alone. I am not happy alone anymore and that is scary. That is not to say that I don't like some alone time now and then, because I do. As a feminist I think it is important to be happy on your own before you choose to spend your life with someone. It is nice not to need someone, but to want someone. I went to the beach and boogie boarded Monday night. I swam in the ocean and sat on the beach and read my book. No one bothered me, but on the other hand, I had no one to tell how much the face of the water moved me or how much my arms hurt. Well, that's not entirely true, I told Facebook, but that is a sad friend to have. I guess even if I don't want to admit it, I need someone and want someone and have someone. And for that I am happy.