On day 207
Weeks are going by in my sobriety so quick. I’m on day 207. I’m managing. I am. I am more than six months sober and life is life.
Yesterday was quite a hectic 1368 court day. More chaotic than normal. It's always chaos, but usually it is controlled chaos. Yesterday, everything was off kilter. There were just too many cases on calendar, and too many private attorneys who can, at times, take up a lot of time with the judge because our court is very specialized and technical.
Still, I don't always mind it. I sometimes find chaos comforting. It feels normal to me. I find a peaceful environment harder to deal with sometimes.
Growing up, everything seemed off kilter. My parents would fight, then make up. It was cyclical. My sisters and I would watch almost as if it was one of our television shows, one with a soundtrack full of expletives.
1980s television was the best. Facts of Life and Different Strokes were two of our favorites along with Fantasy Island. All involved fantasies of a sort. Facts of Life was about a boarding school of girls, something I yearned for as a kid, a place I could just sit and read for days without interruption. Different Strokes was about two orphan poor kids adopted into a rich Penthouse living family, and wealth was a dream of mine. And then, of course, Fantasy Island, where your darkest imaginings could become reality.
That dream or fantasy of a life was never reality. Truth is, chaos is the flip side of peace. Light versus dark. Kind versus cruel. It’s up to us to choose the force we want to be in the world.
So from now on, even in chaos, I am going to try harder to be serene and slow down. I want to be a benevolent force for good. Why add to an already chaotic situation and environment? I will aim to be the light, always.
That’s all I got.
On day 207. #recovery #sobriety #substack #memoir
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