Today is the day

Today. The Now. The Present. Big P Present.

I've had a lot on my mind. I've been wrestling with some huge issues of who I am professionally. I've always defined myself by my public defense job, my writing, & my persona. But who am I really?

Last week, on the same day, I did a training at my office for new attorneys (along with a colleague) and an interview of a writer for my podcast. What I realized is that I really enjoy those parts of my professional life. But do I like the other parts? Do they bring me joy?

Being in court in 1368 land is something I've done for so long that I am used to it. I am really good at it even. Some days better than others. But it has taken its toll. On my body and mind. On my spirit. 

The sadness and trauma I've had to witness is quite overwhelming. Ask anyone, we manage that calendar and courtroom well, we do. We have a great judge and caring and diligent staff, but it's fucking hard. Thursday, after handling 16 cases, I came home and cried in my car. My head felt like it was going to split open. I said aloud. "I can't do this anymore."

But I did. On Friday, I went into court and it was much better that day. Less cases. I took my time. I could breath. But now I know for sure. Something's gotta change.