Panic on the streets

I'm writing this blog post in the car driving back from Vegas. Well, I'm not driving, Adrian is, but as Iggy wrote, I am the passenger.

We took the moms with us and we had a great time. Yet, I know I am not always my best self what with the dog and the moms, it's a lot at times. At breakfast, Chewie started barking uncontrollably which is odd for him. Then, all of a sudden, I got tingles and felt light headed like I was gonna pass out. I realized, I was having a panic attack.

I'm not asking for sympathy here, or even empathy, because look, I know I overwhelm myself with school, work, my writing, and the podcast along with everything else I'm responsible for. 

I suppose I could take it easy and I wouldn't be spending the next three evenings writing a term paper on Hamlet and an insanity defense for school. I could spend my weekends organizing the house or laying by the pool or going to the beach instead of traveling to LA for writing events. Instead of working on my podcast, I could relax. But look, that's not me. 

So tingles or no tingles, I'm just gonna keep on going. I love it you see. It makes me happy to do all these things. I'll just take a deep breath and another and another until the tingles subside.

To thine own self be true

Hamlet has given us many notable quotes and one of them especially resonates with me today as I write this. The quote I'm referencing is from Polonius' monologue (Act 1 Scene 3) where he is giving advice to his son Laertes and states, "To thine own self be true." The reason it sits with me is because it's so applicable to one's creativity. 

Years back, I tried to place a story about my affinity and history for fast food with a foodie magazine. I had a great contact (the editor was a former teacher of mine) and thought it was a sure thing. The editor loved the essay. But then an assistant editor was assigned to work with me on it and all of a sudden, we were going back and fourth for weeks. Eventually I realized that the piece didn't sound like me after rounds and rounds of edits. So, I pulled it. 

It was disappointing. Back then, I only had a few publication credits and it was a big deal. But ultimately, I knew I'd made the right call because the story was such a part of me. It wasn't just about food. It was a story about my family, and my generation, along with my history, and my hometown and culture. 

More than a few years later, after leaving the essay in a drawer, I pulled it out and submitted the same piece to a food writing based radio show and podcast that I adored called The Dirty Spoon. They accepted the story which I had retitled as "Fast Food Memories" (you can find it here:  http://www.dirty-spoon.com/fast-food-memories/) almost immediately. 

Amazingly, they pretty much took it as it was and left it untouched except for a few minor edits. They hired an actress to read it and it went live on their radio show and then it was archived on their podcast. The two hosts also did a fantastic introduction where they talked about their own obsessions with fast food. 

What that experience taught me was to trust my voice and to always listen to my instincts. It made me realize how important it is to trust one's gut when you know a story is good. I knew it was a strong piece you see. I knew it.

It also taught me that not everyone will get my writing but many will, or at least some people will. And that's enough for me.  

Friday

Yes, it's Friday night. 645 pm. I'm in the bathtub. You know you're getting old when you start hanging out at 5 pm and you're done by 6 pm. I'm just so tired. 

It was a hectic week. Work was ridiculously busy and I had a very important evidentiary hearing. I can't really chat about it here, but it was key to the program I run. And I had to call a witness so it was important. 

But then I think, let it go. Work that is. The hearing went fine, great even. I suppose I'm just realizing how much the stress gets to me. It really impacts my health and wellness.

But stress is also just part of life regardless. Yet, I think if I didn't have people's freedom in my hands, I might be able to sleep. For now, I'll just continue to do what I do. I'll keep on fighting the good fight. And I'll breathe today, deep breaths in and out, and thank God it's Friday.

Talking with myself

Even though I get the numbers, and know people are reading my rants, it's weird because I still feel as if I am talking to myself. But I suppose if I was talking to myself live, and not on the page, people might worry. But I talk to my dog all the time, and even do his voice to answer myself back, so be afraid, be very afraid. 

Saturday was a joy filled day. I did an event at the Upland Library with the band Refrigerator. I can't describe their music well. It's too eclectic and defies genre. But they're frigging rad. I love the lead singer Allen's voice and their lyrics about the Inland Empire intersect nicely with my stories. Plus the rest of the band, Dennis (guitar), Mark (guitar), Daniel (stand up bass) and Chris (drums) just inspire me so. 

I met the band through Mark (of Pelekenesis) and Dennis (of Shrimper Records) who together own Bamboo Dart Press, who published my first book. They're both fabulous writers, and musicians, and they made my book dream true. I can't tell you how indebted to them I am. 

So Saturday defied my expectations. I always kick myself the day of an event. It's a lot at times. A lot of pressure. Why do I make my life hard and stress myself out? Why don't I just take it easy and play Yahtzee all day? I know the answer already, it's not in my nature. So I was there. The band was there. The plan was to have the band play a song, and then another song, then I would read a story, and then a couple more songs, then I would read another story, and so on. 

It was so amazing. The guys' songs were beautiful. They lingered in the air. Then I would read. It was pretty seamless. Then at the end, the band surprised me with a version of one of my social protest/justice poems in song form! I really can't capture it. I was just so overwhelmed with happiness. 

Joy is a hard thing to capture in words. Yet, I can say that when the band sang, I knew every word and sang along in my head. I was singing inside. My whole body was humming along. 

And when they played their song Colton, their words almost made me cry. Because who writes about Colton but us? Who else really and truly writes about and sees us Inland Empire grown up now but once latch key carrying kids from the 1970s and 1980s? 

We do. We write about it. Yes we do. 

"We can paint this town damn gray
We can count the ghosts on parade
We can hold our hands in the dark
Outside of Colton
Outside of Colton
Drunk and forgotten"

From Refrigerator's song Colton

Saying yes

I say yes to a lot of stuff. It's definitely harder for me (being a people pleaser) to say no but I'm learning because sometimes you have to. You have to learn to say no, so that when you do say yes, it's meaningful and intentional. You have to make the opportunities count. 

But saying yes brings the most blessings. It does. It can bring struggles and challenges, but usually the "yes" creates amazing experiences that you will never forget. And the "yes" will lead to more opportunities. Doors will open that you thought were locked. You had knocked on them for so very long. And then, the doors swing open as if by magic.

When I said yes to my vodcast all those years ago, it was on a whim. My friend from childhood, who was a radio show host, was starting a vodcast company and was looking for talent. She thought I might be able to do it. So I said yes. I tried. And guess what? I found a talent I never knew I had for performing and interviewing. Turns out, I'm kind of a theater kid. I was almost 49 when I realized this! How had I not discovered this? I always knew I was a ham, just ask my husband. He says it's my world and we're all just living in it. Truth. 

Then my MFA. It wasn't easy to decide to take it on while working full-time, but I decided to turn down my brick and mortar funded offer (which would require me to quit my job and lose my pension) and I found an online, very part time program at University of New Orleans that worked for me. So I said yes, but only to what was practical for me at the time. I'm a pragmatist at my core. Ask anyone. Even in practicing law, I'm always thinking, how do I get what I want for my client in the most pragmatic way? In theory, and in my writing, I am an idealist but in practice, I'm a realist. 

Then, what about events? I say yes to those too. My friend asked me to perform with his epic band at a library. Yes, it made me anxious. My knees were knocking just to imagine such a scary event where I would be on display and what if I couldn't perform up to the level I needed to? But then, I said frack it! Why not try? And then I prepared and prepared and I consulted and listened to their set list and put my reading list together and thought, okay, this will work!

There's more to talk about, but I think I will leave those thoughts and experiences for a second blog. But for now, I would urge you to say yes!

Desert music daze

Yesterday, we headed out to Joshua Tree to see Gary Numan at Pappy and Harriet's. But before the show, we decided to try out La Copine in Yucca Valley. We had heard people rave. We had read the magazine articles. Plus, I had a hard to get reservation. But first, I made Adrian stop at a vinyl and clothing antique store, where I found a leopard vintage caftan (swoon!) on sale and little copper and silver pot hanging earrings.

We got to La Copine and the first thing I noticed was the asthetic. It had a very cool vibe. And yes, it was very Joshua Tree in the amount of hipsters with multiple tables of boho attired groups of twenty somethings. Sun glass wearing, fringed hair with fringe jackets and cowboy boots (I am being a bit of a hypocrite wearing suede fringe boots myself). A lot of beards. A lot of faux fur (again, I brought a black and white striped faux fur, so I fit in just fine, but I added some edge with black pants and a replacements tee which I got two compliments on). 

The food and service were impeccable. I had a champagne cocktail with bitters and sugar and the steak skewer with papas with green onions. For desert, we shared a fig panna cotta that (for me as a salty perferring person) had the perfect smattering of salt. 

We checked into our hotel, which was next door to Pappy's and Harriet's. It's a little frontier hotel like place that's now hideously expensive, but worth the convenience. Plus, there's no TV, just a backgammon and checkers set and a small fridge. We got the "Annie Oakley" (every room is named after an old time Western star) and brought take out Mexican food to the room while listening to the industrial sounds of the opening band Front Line Assembly. 

We walked over to the concert and Gary Numan went on almost immediately. It was so loud I had to put my fingers in my ears. To save my hearing, I moved from the front of the stage to the back. The energy was infectious and the music was hard and industrial all the way and Gary did not disappoint. I rocked out and sipped a beer. We left before the show ended up and sipped a drink on the porch while the band played the last few songs. 

When I woke up, I listened to the birds chirping outside and grabbed a coffee from the canteen. Then I wrote this blog. 

Something writing this way comes

Today is Friday and I'm on my second espresso waiting for my black dress to dry for court. It's been a hectic work week. Yesterday was super hectic, so much so that I ate the delicious dinner my husband made and went straight to bed when I got home last night.

Tomorrow night, we are seeing Gary Numan perform in Joshua Tree/Pioneertown. It's gonna be cold so I will wear jeans with thermals under and my faux fur coat and gloves!

Life goes by so fast in your fifties. It speeds by like I'm in a race car. I barely have time to catch my breath. What with work, my writing/performing and my podcast and school, I'm always busy with something. Always working or planning. But my goal this weekend is to be present and relax. 

The question is, when I will find time to write my next book? It's there. Percolating. I can feel it. 

Yes, I have a few short chapters but they need to be drawn out. I need time. It's not that I don't write. I write every day.  I write this blog and for class and an essay here and there, but a long form project is different. It requires concerted effort and concentrations of time. It requires just sitting there at your writing desk until it comes. 

So hopefully soon, something writing this way will come. I will ask the universe to help me. To push me and make me push myself into that chair, to sit my butt down and just write.

Mantz girl

I'm rewatching the Gilmore Girls for the umpteenth time. It's relaxing to me. Like eating comfort food, it makes me feel peaceful. I like to listen to it in the background as I do my homework after a long day of work.

Yesterday, I spent my Easter writing an annotated bibliography for my Shakespeare class. I had no idea how much work it was. I had the research, but doing the citations and summarizing the ten articles I had pulled basically took me all day. I also watched Macbeth, directed by Joel Coen starring Denzel Washington and Frances McDormand. It is such a striking film. The witches are part human and part bird and are eerie, creepy creatures portrayed as triplets speaking in a Gollum like voice. The movie is in black and white and the film is stark and the asthetic is bare, but it emotes. It moves. It's powerful. 

The quest for "power" is not something I've ever been interested in. I certainly never contemplated summoning the spirits as Lady Macbeth does. But what really resonated with me is how femininity is portrayed in Macbeth. Why are the soothsaying three weird witch sisters so terrifying? Is it femaleness turned on its head? The idea of a premonition is one that I do believe in. But I also believe that to open those portals is a dangerous thing to engage in. 

Knowing what is to come would be helpful, but it's not needed and can be a curse not a blessing. The beauty of life may be in the unknowing.  

Instead, I tell myself to be patient. I don't need to know the future. All is well. Plus, I just want to be happy and sit here with Chewbacca surrounding myself with light. Tonight, I will burn my white candles and dance and sing and as Joni Mitchell herself warbled, "put some flowers round my room". 

With the Gilmore Girls in the background (of course).