Sometimes

I've been overcome with anxiety recently. It has always waxed and waned for me, but with work, the world, and all the pressure I put on myself, it's been a bit overwhelming. 

The main place I see it is in my sleep patterns. I don't sleep is the point. I wake up, my brain still running like a computer that I can't get to shut down. I can take Benadryl and sometimes do, but I don't want to tranquilize my self to sleep every night. 

Yesterday, I had the day off and I just couldn't relax. Work issues were spinning in my head, and yes it had been a rough week, but not that bad. I'd been through way worse in my job as a deputy public defender over the years. Yet, for some reason, I could not disconnect or let go. I felt tethered to it all.

So I decided to meditate. I found an anxiety releasing guided meditation and did it for twenty minutes. It was hard to focus, but I forced myself. About fifteen minutes in, I felt something let go. My chest eased. My brain calmed down. 

After the meditation, I slept and slept for hours. Snoring loudly (according to my husband who had come to check on me). My dogs even slept, no barking, because they'd heard the meditative voice which I'd streamed on my phone. We all just snored, slept and relaxed. 

And, sometimes, that's all you need. 

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Forever

I'm doing an event at a brewery that's music and literature where I might do harmony on a Beatles song with a friend. I'm not a great or even a good singer. But I can harmonize. Especially on a Beatles song. 

So the song we are performing is "Two of Us." I've been practicing using the Aimee Mann and Michael Penn version from the soundtrack of "I Am Sam". Recording myself. Trying to improve. Trying to sing from my gut and breathe. 

Doing this process reminds me that life is about taking risks. Chances. Doing something you have always wanted to do. 

Shoot. I'm 53. Almost 54. If I'm not going to get up on a microphone and sing now at an event, I probably never will. Plus, I'd like to go for it before I need a walker and the Botox still works relatively well. 

There is something about the line, well the chorus, that slays me. "You and I have memories/Longer than the road that stretches out ahead." 

It reminds me of my mortality and of the many years I've been with my husband, and that we may have lived and been together longer than the years ahead. It's a depressing thought at first but if you really think about it, it's also lovely to think that things do last. If you try really hard. 

They can last almost forever. 

Is the rule of law dead?

I read the news and I'm terrified. The erosion of our civil liberties is happening. The Nation just published an article stating the rule of law is dead. Which for me, is like saying that god, ie the foundation of our democracy, has perished. 

Now, on a micro level, at least in California, the rule of law is alive and well. I'm in the courtroom daily, and I can tell you, the law is being followed. People have due process and I help ensure that as a deputy public defender. But for how long?

Plus, on the macro federal and national level, the rule of law is crumbling down. It's been trampled. DC is under military control. And it turns out, our president has just as much power as he says he has.  Because when you control all of the principles and arms of government, the judiciary, the congressional (senate and house) majorities and everyone in power is your sycophant and follow your orders in the FBI, CIA, and more, then you control everything. When you disregard courts that disagree with you, with no repercussions, then it's over. You are king, emperor and all powerful. 

So yes, overall, the rule of law is dead. It's dead. And it may not be coming back anytime soon. 

Dry eye

It's almost six am. I'm thinking of all of the departed: about my dad John, my father in law Alberto, my brother in law Gabe, and the shih tzus, Frodo and Chewbacca. Life is fleeting. It's short. It goes by so quick.

Sometimes, and maybe everyone isn't like this, I need to distract myself with things. Television, games, substances, even writing, just to quiet the barrage in my brain. My brain never stops. I feel as if it's a constant stream of consciousness.

What works best is writing. But I can't live my life only on the page, so I manage. It's not debilitating at all some might say. I'm pretty productive. I manage a full time job which keeps the thoughts at bay. I'm fine when I'm busy. It's when I'm forced to sit with myself that I can't. 

I want to get there. I do. Really I do. I know that if I'm able to sit with myself, I can be with others more presently. 

Yesterday, my eyes were burning. I know it's partially dry eye. I have drops. But perhaps I also need to cry. For everyone I've lost, for the state the world is in, and for my inability to sit with myself. Because maybe if I can cry about it, I can eventually fix it. 

And that would be epic. 

A Carrie Girl in the IE

Anyone who knows me well, ahem my husband, knows I watch shows on repeat. Gilmore Girls, West Wing, Lost, and the original Sex and the City (SATC). SATC is one of my favorite shows of all time. There's something about the friendships. It just touches and entertains me. 

And I've always been a Carrie. C'mon, she's a writer and a free spirit and has curly hair and plus, she loves fashion and cosmos. So of course I'm a Carrie. (Yes, I know Miranda is a lawyer, but she's always been too buttoned up for me)

The reboot (And Just Like That) is wrapping up and these last episodes have slayed me a bit. The reboot series has become a bit melancholy in season three and yet (despite an uneven first season) I still love it. Carrie lost Mr. Big (he died episode 1, season 1 of the reboot) and she is a widow. 

(Spoiler to come)

Carrie's heartfelt attempted reconciliation with Adian was a bust, and then the Brit writer she liked and who liked her primarily for her brains and writing skills (which was new for her) left. Now Carrie is adrift and all alone. Wondering, and writing, what's wrong with being alone? And is she alone? She still has her friends. And her writing. 

I've been with my love for decades. Yet, I've always had a secret fear that I would end up alone, adrift without my rock. My husband Adrian is the place I moor. And the possibility of being without each other is one that both of us have to consider could happen one day. We have no kids. What would I do? What would he do? 

I don't know. But what I'm sure of is that I would be lost. And while writing is a salve, it's not everything. I guess what I'm saying is that I am truly starting to feel my mortality at almost 54. It feels scary. But it's reality. 

Tis life as they say. So I plan on appreciating life and what I have more, because, and this is more true than anything, it is beautiful.