Panorama of San Bernardino

Friday, January 21, 2022

What to do

Watching the dystopian series Station Eleven, I ponder a question. 

What would you do if you knew the world was ending? What would you do if you knew your own life was ending?

I find it such an intriguing question. Shouldn't the answer to both questions be the same?

Perhaps not, because maybe the idea of everyone dying at once is worse. That there is nothing to leave behind. That there is nothing left. I plan on leaving something regardless with the hope that there will always be something remaining.

For me, I accomplished my biggest dream, a book, like one of the characters in Station Eleven who writes a graphic novel, I was obsessed with it. 

You see, writing my memoir took over a decade. It was such hard work. There were so many times that I thought, just forget about it, live your life. Yet something pulled at me, urging me to finish it in the way it deserved. And so many years later, it's finally a reality.

But I'm not done. I have always visualized it on the stage or screen. Adaptation is something I've always wanted for my book which reads cinematically. So that is my next project.

The whole concept that life comes to you, that opportunity knocks, is foreign to me. I believe one visualizes their own dreams and works with positivity and intention and then the dreams come to fruition.

So I'm saying it loud and clear to the universe. It's on its way. Get ready. 



Tuesday, January 18, 2022

See through heart

Bestie and I went out shopping last night for a book party outfit. Back to the pin up boutique. I thought to myself, I gotta look fabulous, I must. 

The sales woman, who was herself dressed adorably in an animal print cardigan tied and a black dress, tried to talk me into a skirt with suspenders. Too tight, I grimaced. My body was betraying me. 

I wanted to wear a wiggle dress or a flared reproduction. Dress after dress. I tried on a polka dot skirt that made me look like a mouse. Plus, once they added a belt, I was cut in half. I smashed myself into more dresses. Frustrated. I swore into my mask and vowed to lose my gut. Bestie was kind and supportive.

Finally, the sales woman scored with a gorgeous red sweater with a cut out heart that reminded me to love myself as I am. Looking at the price tag, I scowled, but thought, it's okay. Paired it with a black pencil skirt. With a bow at the slit. As a final touch, I added a red hat "fascinator" with a tiny black veil. 

Finally, I felt like me. 

(We all struggle I know. I'm into self acceptance and body positivity, but my first forays back into shopping after the pandemic put it on hold for almost 2 years, reminded me how hard it is to be that way and I gotta remind myself, be you, do you, love you.)

Monday, January 17, 2022

Today

Today is gonna be ok. I'm anxious. A day off. Another doctor appointment and then I gotta take my mom-in-law for bloodwork and then meet my BFF to try and find a dress for my book party. 

Usually, I would think fun, we can get some drinks after, but I'm on a quest to give up alcohol. So instead, I'm looking forward to food. Now the problem will be, eventually I know, that food will become my crutch so I've decided I gotta start exercising.

For the last 2 plus years, my only exercise has been picking up a pen. That's not a bad thing. I'm so proud of my YA memoir novel I just finished. It's called "Tales of an Inland Empire Girl." 

The first signing for my book this weekend at Barnes and Noble was so much fun. It felt surreal. I was out of breath from the excitement. They gave me free coffee, they put up a sign, I had a lil table, my family and many of my friends came by and I met new people and their high school aged children who bought the book. 

I sold a reasonable amount of books. And yes I want to sell more. Not for the money. I just want everyone to read it. To love it. Like I do. It's my book baby created, as I've said before, out of the spiderwebs of childhood memories all sewn back together.

So today, I gotta remember this, is just one day. I gotta take it one step at a time, in my combat boots of course. And walk a couple of extra steps for good measure. 

Monday, January 10, 2022

Goodbye Goodbye

Oingo Boingo has a song called "Goodbye Goodbye" that's fitting. They sing:

"Oh, I know something 

About the ways of loving 
And I tell you, baby, 
That something's wrong 
Look to the sky above and the mud below 
Something drives me crazy, got to got to get away 
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye 
Goodbye, Goodbye, Goodbye!"

Alcohol has always been my crutch. My go to. My first love in a way. Since I was a kid along with cigarettes. But it's time. Gotta say goodbye.

No more. It's too much. It's not fun anymore.  I'm too old. And tired. 

At some point, I've had to ask myself, what have you done for me? Lately? Nothing.

Everything I've achieved is through coffee and hard work. My writing. My law career. My marriage. None of those things work when I'm drunk.

And believe me, seriously, me drunk at fifty is not pretty. I lose myself. I'm vacant. A zombie. A silly girl with unfocused eyes. Trying to reclaim her youth. Not realizing her time is now. 

So goodbye. 

I mean it this time, goodbye goodbye. 



Friday, January 7, 2022

Book baby

My book baby "Tales of an Inland Empire Girl" is being released today. Gestational period more than a decade. If I had known it would be Joycean in how long it would take, I might never have started. 

Each piece was written as stand alone (mostly) and each one had to be edited and rewritten to make those stand alone pieces into a book. It's a YA novel and memoir whatever that means. A rose by any other name...

At some point, more than 5 years in, I almost gave up. At some point, I called the book my albatross. So many titles. Reiterations. Variations. Workshopped at VONA, Inlandia, Macondo, with my writing group, the Tres Libras, and finally at the University of New Orleans (UNO).  Some stories went back to their earlier versions after too much editing.

At times, I got lost in the words. Had to work backwards. Last story first. Got some final feedback on my epilogue story "Trailer Park Daze" from my MFA class at UNO which helped tie it together. 

At some point, in the reediting process, a few years back, I almost gave up again. But I got lucky. A patient editor and publisher. A more than patient husband. Natural drive and ambition. I published my first book, "Portrait of a Deputy Public Defender, or how I became a punk rock lawyer" (with rock star publishing house Bamboo Dart Press), a chapbook about the horrors of mass incarceration, in less than a year while taking a break from the memoir/YA novel. Started a video podcast. It was what I needed. Staying home in the pandemic helped. 

Added poetry from my collection in at the end. I think I'm naturally multi-genre.

My dad's voice whispered in my ear the whole time. 

It was kinda magic.

I can't believe it. It's finally done. I know it's done because I can't read it any more. I've finally fracking finished it. And I love it. It's all mine. Mine. Mine. 

Buy the book here: http://www.losnietospress.com/tales-of-an-inland-empire-girl-available-now/

Thursday, January 6, 2022

JEM's YA book is being released Jan 7th!

With nods to Judy Blume & SE Hinton, JEM's book (more than a decade in the making) about her IE YA years is now available! Check it out. 

Buy on the Los Nietos website or at your local bookstore, Amazon, or B & N. It drops January 7!! Support JEM! JEM will also be signing at Barnes & Noble in Rancho Cucamonga, CA on Saturday, January 15th 1-4 pm! Watch her book launch podcast on January 12th! Just add her Life of JEM FB page for the stream. 

To buy the book go here: http://www.losnietospress.com/tales-of-an-inland-empire-girl-available-now/