Dark daze

I'm at Lowe's. It's ironic that I'm writing this here because a piece just got accepted to a literary journal about a trip to Home Depot that I wrote during the Christmas season last year. 

It's late September, and it's not even Halloween yet, but the Christmas decor is already being put out on the floor. So there's huge seven foot werewolves and witches alongside the snowmen and Santas. The contrast is striking.

I've always been a Halloween type of gal myself. I am dark. Gothic. In literature, in movies, in clothing, and in my mind. Although I do consider myself an optimist, I am a realist too and reality is dark, especially right now. 

Everything seems to be spiraling in the world. I try to find solace in my writing, in music and in helping the least fortunate and most vulnerable in my day job as a deputy public defender. But even that's been darker than usual lately. It's gotten harder and is getting harder. 

There are days that I yearn for a positive job where I could go to work and not have to see people in chains. Yet, what I also know in my bones is that my clients need me. I think now the issue is that I don't know if their need outweighs the vicarious trauma I take in daily. It's harming me. The stress can be extreme, especially because I care.

I'm just learning I need to put myself first. 

So back to the home improvement store. There's a metaphor here I'm searching for because recently, I have been working on improving myself. You see, I need a remodel. My body can't handle everything it used to. Hitting my fifties has been a wake up call for me to practice self care, improvement and fulfillment. So I'm trying. Day by day. Minute by minute. I'm trying really hard to do better and be better. That's all we can each do. Live in the moment. Realize that life is fleeting and we must do the best we can.