My shadow self

The other day, I had a meltdown. My poor computer suffered. I screamed at her. My dog Chewie shivered watching me. My husband ran upstairs and asked, "Are you OK?" He saw that I was crying angry tears. 

The work issue was resolved eventually, but that night, I called a close adviser and she gave me a reading. That reading showed me that I still have a lot of work to do on myself.

I often talk about my best self. That I am who I portray and who I aim to be. But for me, what is in (what Carl Jung called) my shadow self? The shadow self is that self that we hide from even ourselves. Shadow work is notoriously difficult. But, it's time.

In my shadow, I know that I am angry and resentful. I want to do for others and then complain about it. I'm not always fully present. I'm critical and neurotic. I obsess. 

I say that I'm positive, but inside can be very negative. Even with my homework for my MFA program. I get it done early, but then obsess over whether it was perfect. It's not just that I'm being hard on myself, it's that I'm hurting myself. That needs to change. I need to take back my power and spiritual energy because it is draining me. This post is my way of creating the intention.

I'm so tired of not being my best self. Look, I know that I am a happy and positive person. That is me. But what the pandemic has taught me is that left to my own devices, without the distraction of running around all the time, my bad traits come out. 

Are others experiencing this?

Perhaps, I have too much time to think because although I'm busy at home all weekend editing, writing and doing homework, I'm not filling up my days running around here or there. Plus, stress creates emotional triggers that may bring out my worst qualities. And maybe, my coping mechanisms have shrunk along with my world.

Working on myself will be hard. But I will grow spiritually and isn't that the point? In the end, I hope to become a kinder, nicer and gentler person. I want to be kinder to myself and gentle on others, especially the ones I love.