Panorama of San Bernardino

Friday, October 31, 2014

The wanting and the waiting

I have said before that I live life looking in the rear view mirror.  I tend to only appreciate the high points in my life later looking back.  That is how it was with my time at UCR, with law school in LA, with Houston at the largest firm in Texas and with my time spent in San Francisco.

Perhaps, I get caught up in the minutiae of getting somewhere.  I am very goal orientated to a fault.  It must stem from being a young girl in the Inland Empire ("IE") who used to lay on the roof and listen to her parents fight.  I would look up at the stars and yearn for something more.

I always knew i would leave the IE.  I just didn't know I would return.

How does one return with grace?  I am still learning.  Since I came back, I have struggled to find my way and be content.  I started off at yet another law firm but found my way to the public defender's office.  I am happy there.  It is not perfect and there are days where I want to write full-time, but the work is fulfilling and my colleagues are like family.

Yet, I am always still wanting more.  Waiting for it.  The question is, am I waiting for something good or something bad to happen?  Am I waiting for the big one and living my life on high alert?  Expecting the shoe to drop, the door to slam, the wall to get punched in and for me to have to run?  For now, I need to resist the urge to move, both literally and figuratively.  Reminding myself over and over that I am fine right where I am.

Ultimately, I am slowly discovering that more may just be more.  More may not necessarily be better.


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