Panorama of San Bernardino

Saturday, May 3, 2014

Oh Baby

On Wednesday we did the first IVF treatment.  They inserted two embryos into my uterus.  The doctor, in his typical Newport surfer meets pragmatic meets spiritualist way, told me the rest was up to God.

Already knowing this, I had lit a candle at church on the Sunday prior.  And put a note in Virgin Mary's basket.  I asked her to make this happen.  Then I went to the Jesus statue and prayed.

Some Catholics might have an issue with IVF but I think that God would understand that sometimes intervention is needed.  That sometimes God needs help to do what is meant to be.  Things are meant to be is a saying my sister Annie always says. I am hoping this is meant to be.  I want to be a mommy.  Does that sound weird coming from me?  To show my sweet feminine side is not usually my thing, but this punk rock girl does have a maternal side.  I have been my sarcastic, bitter and non-hopeful self for so long that this me is terrifying.  Who am I?  I don't really know anymore.

Caring so much is scary.  I would rather be apathetic, but it's not in my nature.

This whole process has changed me.  It made me realize that the thing I have been yearning and searching for is love.  Not romantic love, but maternal love.  The kind of love that makes you work hard every day.  An age old kind of pure love.

My real problem is that I have come to realize, that for me, without this kind of love, a child's love, there is really no point to it all.  Life is not about so called success or money, it is about creating family.

And that my friends, is what I want.  I want to be the mom cutting her kids' food at the table next to me.

And if I don't get it, oh baby.  

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