The Miracle

Was it Sarah in the Bible who was barren? I think so. By some kind of miracle she becomes pregnant in her nineties.

I always thought from a young age that I would be barren as well. Whether it was a premonition, or the result of my mom's stories of infertility, I don't know but here I am sitting in a fertility center.

There are days I want to stay in bed curled up in a little ball. My heart feels battered about. Does God not believe in my maternal nature? Or maybe the possibility of creating life passed me by while I was at a corporate law firm in my thirties?

My life feels meaningless.   What was the purpose of my trials and tribulations and ultimate redemption? That said, I have never been a woman who thought I needed a child to feel fulfilled. 

Until now.

Today, the doctor will go over tests with me which will show, at age 41, whether I have any eggs left. I am hoping for a miracle but my OBGYN already told me the test results were disappointing.

I am hoping for a kind of miracle. A Sarah kind of miracle. 

And I've never felt so old in my life.