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Day 50 of my sobriety is almost here. It is 11 pm and I'm on day 49. I'll go with an east coast clock and call it my day 50 post.
I am really trying to take it one day at a time. I’m still very impatient, anxious, overly concerned with how I’m perceived by others and self absorbed and attention seeking.
You see, I am becoming more aware of my defects of character. The self awareness of the program and the steps does it. It opens your eyes to who you are truly.
But I also pray every morning for my higher power to help me act in accordance with the universe’s will. To make my actions have good intentions. To do what is meant to be. To thine own self be true.
I have never really practiced this way. This way of living with integrity is lovely and affirming and it’s helped me in so many ways to become a better me, and to stop running and to stop numbing myself to life.
This week, I am still on step 4. I had to make a list of my resentments and I am still only listing the noun part (the who) and still haven’t gotten to the actual listing of the resentments themselves. I know I am avoiding it because I will have to deal with some real stuff. Some of this is trauma that I have dealt with and some of it is trauma that I have avoided out of self preservation.
But now, to save myself from the deep abyss of the loneliness of my alcoholic soul (did I really just write that? Yes I did.), I must confront some horrors in my life.
The good news is that I am living my life with positivity. I feel lighter. There is still a lot of stuff I must deal with. Why do I treat those I love badly at times and all that? Why do I overbook and over schedule myself? How do I live life like a normal person? But I am getting there.
I really am. Day fifty almost. Wow. I’m happy. Truly.
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