Panic then a sigh

This has been a hard yet joyous month for me. In many ways, this blog is the most intimate of my writings. My books are curated, edited, and carefully structured. They are a version of me. From the past mostly. But this blog is the now. On the page for you to see. If you read closely, you'll see that it's just me, warts and all. At 3 am.

Earlier this month, I realized it was time for a change, mostly at work. If you had been reading my blogs, it was obvious that I needed something different. Yet, I also realized that I wanted to stay as a deputy public defender. 

Always a forward mover and thinker, and at times too reactive, and controlling, I decided to take it slow. I meditated and visualized. What did I really need and crave? What were the things that needed adjusting? 

While I was thinking, meditating and lighting my candles, and using my sage spray, the universe took control. That's what happens when you surrender. A door opened up (I knocked, it answered) and I walked right thru it into post conviction, still at my office, where I can use my experience in mental health to my clients' benefit. 

It going to be a life affirming experience for me. I have to change floors and departments, but I'll still get to try and save lives and do my part, small as it is on a micro level, to end mass incarceration.

So there it is. Panic turned to a sigh of acceptance. A surrender that led to resolution and change. This morning at 3 am, I realized that I'm right where I'm meant to be and there's nothing to fear. The universe knows exactly where it's taking me. And eventually so will I. 

Breathing Deep

This morning, I realized I hadn't posted in almost two weeks. There's been a lot going on. In my day job, I may be transferring units and in my writing, everything is coming up roses.

Anxiety is a hurdle for me. Always. I get caught up in worry which we know, or should know, begets more worry. It's counterproductive. 

The universe is telling me to just breathe and that I'm okay. I'm on the right path. I know this, but I think, repeat it aloud. So I do.

What is is. It just is. 

Something else big is on the horizon for me. Something positive and true. I just know it. It could be a year away, but it's there. 

Yet still, the now means something. Sitting here looking in my shih tzus eyes for a second. It is. We are. 

Then I write. What is writing for me? Reaching that place where I let myself disappear and lose myself in it. It is a moment when I can truly let go. I must remember this. Creativity is always there just waiting to be tapped into.

So I breathe deep. Daydream. Imagine. And breathe again.

Living the dream

Thinking about my dad today. About how he is gone except in my memories. I wonder what he would think if he could see me now. Perhaps he might drawl, "Jenny keep living those dreams."

Yesterday, I ran around all day. A signing at Barnes & Noble went till 4 pm. I met so many cool people that I didn't want to leave. Then I took my mom (who had went with me to keep me company) to a quick dinner at Cafe Rio and still had to get her home. 

I didn't walk in my house until almost seven and had another event beginning soon online. It was a lot. But also a lot of joy. And espresso.

Chewbacca (my shih tzu) was sulking from not seeing me all day, so he refused to guest host my IG with me. But luckily, my good friend Lucy really shined by co hosting with me and interviewing me! I was in the hot seat. Well not so hot thank goodness because it rained so my podcast studio was cooled down. And Lucy asked fantastic questions. 

Of course, as with all IG live, there were tech issues, but we went with the flow & we worked it out. That is what it's about. Being present, prepared and just doing it. Perfection is a myth.

Next weekend, I'm running around again. I have a reading in Pasadena on Saturday and on Sunday afternoon, another group reading at a brewery in San Dimas.   

Then I have a weekend off to spend with my husband Adrian. It's important that I balance my writing events with time for my love. He's everything to me and a big supporter. It must be hard at times for me to be gone all weekend, but he knows, I'm living the dream, one that I've wanted forever and ever. 

And on that note, today I'm applying to the residency at Hedgebrook!

So here's to you. Us. Life. What are your dreams? Share it with me. And how to visualize them into reality.

Cha cha changes

Things are changing. I knew it. Perhaps I willed it into being and manifested something new.

I'll be transferring from my mental health unit to a new unit at my office focused on writing and post conviction issues. That means I'll be looking at cases of people in prison. As some know, I worked at a clinic for post conviction while in law school at USC. It was something I loved doing. 

The new assignment will be writing intensive which is something I've been craving. 

It was a hard decision to seek change. I've been in my unit for years and years. I love my courtroom and my colleagues. But change is good. 

Change keeps us motivated and fresh. Stagnation equals staleness. Comfort is nice but challenging yourself is better.

So here I go. Wish me luck.