Crooked

When I was a kid, I had crooked teeth. I used to cover my teeth when I smiled. I also had impacted eye teeth. I remember people making fun of my teeth. Calling me a snaggletooth. My frizzy hair never seemed to curl right. I probably wasn't using the right product or conditioner. 

In my twenties, I was very insecure about my weight. Looking back, I was trim and slim but didn't know it. I got braces so that helped my smile. In my thirties, after law school and working at a large firm, I gained an extreme amount of weight after getting on an anti-depressant. 

In my forties, I lost the weight, some of which I've gained back during Covid and menopause.

It wasn't until recently that I've accepted where I am and tried to make the best of what I've got. I still want to lose weight, but know that I have to be happy where I am. Makeup has become my friend and I'm having fun with it. I wear what I want and try to be confident. 

I think back and wonder if my insecurities is why I never tried acting. To be on display. To be judged. It's something I was terrified of. But now, all that fear is gone. I don't know if it's turning fifty or publishing my books, but I have no fear of public appearances or speaking on stage.

That's not to say I'm not still insecure. I am at my core or I wouldn't be writing this. But I'm trying to be confident. And happy. Performing makes me happy so I'm leaning into it. Crookedly maybe. But leaning still.