Questions

Having your eyes open is frustrating. You see stuff that can't be unseen. Before Covid, I was somewhat content with being a deputy public defender. I liked my assignment. And I felt that I helped my clients and that I was doing good work representing my voiceless and vulnerable clientele.

Then, the world changed and so did my viewpoint. Suddenly, I was seeing how very little the system cared for my clients. 

The courts took away trial deadlines and kept most of my mentally ill clientele incarcerated during the pandemic despite the risk. What I realized, and what struck me at my core, was how very little power I had to change anything. Sure, I could get a few people released with bail motions, but nothing would really change.

This was not only eye opening, but it was disheartening and disturbing. I had realized that I was a cog in a very fucked up wheel of injustice. 

Now, I know I could say this nice, dress it up in flowery prose, but why? I need to just say it.

These are real people, and their families, who are suffering. I wrote a book about it, which helped me verbalize my rage, but still I agonize. It's hard. 

Question: Is it better to stay and work for change from the inside? Or is it better to do something at the macro level? Or perhaps, I could just throw up my hands and walk away altogether. 

Writing is my first love. I know this now. It's what comes to me naturally and makes me happy. I'm my true best self as a writer. As a lawyer, especially a criminal defense one, I'm often angry, frustrated and miserable. 

I guess what I'm saying is that life is short. I lost a good friend recently, she was too too young, and I can't stop weeping. It made me see, we only have this life.

And I wanna be happy. I wanna love what I do and not feel so conflicted and pissed off all the time. I want to live a life where I know that I'm where I'm meant to be. So you see, I'm just asking: Where do I go now?