Bright life big world

It's amazing what feeling better health wise can do to one's mood. I'm feeling hopeful, excited and eager to get my life back.

Before my surgery, I don't think I realized how much pain had ruled my life. Every day had been a struggle for so long that I was accustomed to the pain. I had acclimated to it in a way. Then one day, everything fell apart. My surgery was the result. 

For weeks after surgery, the pain was even worse. It was the hardest physical test I've ever gone through. I fought to get on the right pain medications and once I was properly medicated, I began to heal. 

That healing process is still ongoing but I'm beginning to see the light. I'm chomping at the bit to move on and start my life again. I'm missing it all. My job, my friends, my family and my artistic endeavors.

Yet, I have to tell myself, take it easy and slow down. Because whenever I do try and push, I take a few steps back. 

This will be all better soon, I tell myself. You're almost ready, you're so close, but you need to give yourself a little space. Time. Just heal. Breathe. Rest. You're almost there.

When my life resumes, I have decided to pull back on some things. Before, I was doing too much. Way too much. Running myself ragged really. So I've decided that when I do finally go out into the sun again, I'm not gonna do so much. No more striving. 

Instead, I will focus on my family, my career as a deputy public defender and my books. And maybe do a podcast or two. But less. Quality not quantity. That's a lot, so everything else may have to go. The radio show was a dream come true for me. And it did come true if only for a few episodes. But I'm pulling back.

Now don't go thinking I'm going into a shell. I'm not. I'll be out and about doing my job and my art. I'm going back into the world full-time in a couple weeks. My second book drops in January.

But this "new" life, I say new because it feels that way, will be different. It will be full and colorful, all in technicolor. Yes it will be. But it will also be a long film with a focused narrator who knows her worth and who gives full energy to all she does and who knows how to pull back.

What's most important is that I've realized that I love my life. I have so much. I'm lucky. This experience has made me realize that. I don't want to be stuck in bed. Plus, I've watched everything on Netflix and Hulu (including rewatching numerous seasons of Top Chef). 

Truth is, I want to live. I want to live big. 

What I know now is that I want to live a bright and beautiful life my friends. And I will. Promise.