Rivers

As Joni Mitchell once sang, "I wish I had a river to skate away on." 

The idea of escape is something I cannot stop thinking about. I want to be in Hawaii or Cancun, Dublin, Paris or somewhere new like London or Barcelona. I want the pleasure of being somewhere where I am a new me. Somewhere I can discover new places and things. The joy of vacation. Maybe I want to be anywhere except where I am. 

It is the pandemic that will not let me go. And the election. I feel unsettled. The disquiet is in the air. It feels as if something bad is going to happen. I'm not imaging it I don't think. Perhaps many of us feel this way. 

The infections are rising and there is no avoiding it unfortunately. We can only skate away in our minds while the ice breaks beneath our very feet. I'm sorry for the morose tone. It is the only one I can find right now. 

Everything will be OK is the mantra I use to calm myself. But still, I feel uneasy. Breathing in and out, I practice my gratitude exercise, and whisper what I am grateful for in my head. My husband, my dogs, our moms, my sisters, my friends, my job, and my health. I keep repeating this to myself whenever I get anxious.  

I want to be a child again and be reassured by my dad. I look up into the ceiling and picture my father up in heaven playing cards and wish I could just hear his voice. Just him saying my name would make me feel better. But the only way I hear his voice is when I write stories about him and right now, I can't. I can't write anything but this.