Nervous gratitude

I've been thinking much about gratitude. These are such strange times that it feels strange to be highlighting thankfulness. 

But I am grateful. Grateful for my job, even when I come back from vacation to a mountain of work, and back to court with too many cases on in one day. Not all was my fault, some of it was due to my own over scheduling, and the rest due to the court furlough. 

I am also grateful that I have the ability to write and speak publicly. The writing gift was one God gave me (and he let me pick my nose as the joke goes), but my public speaking and reading persona has taken years of work.

In the 90s, way before UCR and USC Law, I was attending Mt. SAC junior college. I was the editor of the school paper working full-time as a waitress to pay my rent. I had an unreliable car so sometimes had to bus it to school or beg for a ride. 

I remember taking a public speaking course and it stressed me out to no end. The teacher was tough. My boyfriend Adrian (husband now) was actually in the class with me and him watching made me even more nervous.

I did my big public speech on tarot and Wicca and dressed all in black. I looked cute but was so terrified. Stammering my way through, I remember how nervous I was. My knees were knocking I was shaking so much. My nerves were obvious. They got the best of me. The teacher still gave me a B, mostly because the speech was well written.

During my first trials as a deputy public defender more than a decade ago, I worked through my nerves again. Eventually, I lost the nervousness by focusing on the work of trial. Another trick was being extra prepared and using my humor and not taking everything so seriously. I did a virtual training for work the other day and my goal was to say David Bowie at least once. I did. 

Yet, until recently, I still got super nervous when reading at literary events. I would shake, my voice would warble. Then before a big show, a wise writing teacher taught me how to turn that nervousness into excitement through the power of intention. She told me to just keep saying "I'm excited" instead of "I'm so nervous". It works for me. I rarely say I'm nervous anymore. I'll just keep repeating to myself, "I'm so excited!" Yes, it may seem a bit creepy, but it works. 

Now with the podcast and readings, I just lean into that excitement. I look at the camera and put on a show. Plus, it's not me, it's JEM. JEM is always more confident than I am. JEM is a rock star and an attention seeker. 

For me, being virtual helps because a crowd watching me can still give me a nervous buzz. With the camera, I forget I'm on display.

This has been a long winded way to show some of the things I am grateful for: teachers, mentors, my education, my job, my family, and my life.

Oh and for the shih tzus of course. I'm always grateful for them.