Back to School

In January, I will be starting school again. It is a part time, online MFA program for creative writing, one built for working professionals. The program can be done on weekends, which allows me to keep my job as a deputy public defender).

I was dwelling on it all morning and kept thinking, what am I doing? Am I crazy? Am I too old? Too tired? Too sick with my chronic health issues? My memory is not very good anymore, and I have to wear reading glasses. Maybe I am just scared? Change can be terrifying, but it is usually good for the soul.

What if I fuck it up? I chose the least expensive program I could find, but it is still a lot of money relatively speaking. Why can’t I just be content with what I have? Why do I have to make life more difficult for myself?

My life is good. I love my husband, dogs and aside from the infertility issue, I am blessed. But, something is missing. I feel as if I need a new goal and structure to help me finish my book.

I have always loved school. I feel at home in school. A nerd since birth, school has always defined me.

What I call my “lost year”, the year I dropped out of high school, is pretty much the only time I have done poorly in school. Even in junior college at Mt. San Antonio in Walnut, after the debacle of my senior year of high school and taking my GED, I excelled. I was the editor of the college newspaper and transferred to UCR with a very high GPA after five years of going part time while waitressing full-time.

By the time I transferred to UCR, I was on a mission to finish. As a result of that determination, I was done in exactly two years. I could hardly believe it, I had a BA in English. This little poor girl from the IE had graduated from a university, magna cum laude no less. I felt as if I had climbed Mount Everest. It only took seven years total.

Next USC Law, which was a breeze after my seven year bachelor’s degree in English Literature. And, I was finished by thirty. A lawyer. One would think I would be done. Exhausted by it all. But no.

Come January, my goal is to find the nerd inside of me again. I will get that degree and plan on finishing my book and starting a new one.  I know myself and I’m best when I’m busy, goal orientated and focused.

I will get my MFA dammit and know my dad will be looking down smiling saying, “I always knew you could do it Jenny.”