Panorama of San Bernardino

Tuesday, March 31, 2015

ghost of bodies past

I had an epiphany at a Target while on cold medicine last week.  I was stumbling through the aisles, drowsy, and saw myself in the mirror.  I looked plump.  Like a too full version of myself.  Was this déjà vu?  No, this was me.

I lost 100 pounds via weight loss surgery four years ago and I have put back on twenty-five of those pounds.  It wasn't all my fault.  It was the damn hormones and IVF treatments and a pregnancy that was not meant to be.  The thing is, even after all of this, the weight loss surgery and then the miscarriage, I still love myself more than ever.  I love my huge boobs and my fuller thighs and face and my hair, which has come back thicker.

After riding the waves in Newport on a boogie board, in celebration of me and my fuller figure, I walked into a swimsuit shop in Newport.  The Brazilian woman owner helped me find a bikini top that fit my boobs.  I will wear it with a skirt until I work off these twenty pounds because I have realized one thing that is true.  You gotta love yourself right where you are or you will never be happy.  Ever.  And thus, I have decided to love myself right where I am.  Desperately and fully without any reservations.

There are no ghosts of bodies past to haunt me anymore.

There is just me right now in a gorgeous flowered bikini top at a coffee shop sipping my tea.  No creme brûlée for me.  Life is sweet enough.

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