I had an epiphany at a Target while on cold medicine last week. I was stumbling through the aisles, drowsy, and saw myself in the mirror. I looked plump. Like a too full version of myself. Was this déjà vu? No, this was me.
I lost 100 pounds via weight loss surgery four years ago and I have put back on twenty-five of those pounds. It wasn't all my fault. It was the damn hormones and IVF treatments and a pregnancy that was not meant to be. The thing is, even after all of this, the weight loss surgery and then the miscarriage, I still love myself more than ever. I love my huge boobs and my fuller thighs and face and my hair, which has come back thicker.
After riding the waves in Newport on a boogie board, in celebration of me and my fuller figure, I walked into a swimsuit shop in Newport. The Brazilian woman owner helped me find a bikini top that fit my boobs. I will wear it with a skirt until I work off these twenty pounds because I have realized one thing that is true. You gotta love yourself right where you are or you will never be happy. Ever. And thus, I have decided to love myself right where I am. Desperately and fully without any reservations.
There are no ghosts of bodies past to haunt me anymore.
There is just me right now in a gorgeous flowered bikini top at a coffee shop sipping my tea. No creme brûlée for me. Life is sweet enough.