Panorama of San Bernardino

Friday, November 21, 2014

Where do we go now?

Sometimes, I use this blog as my own personal therapy session.  I work out things on the page so I can work them out in life.  This can have its drawbacks.  For most of my life I have been an open book, but this blog has made me an open book that can be read by anyone.  Perhaps, I am guilty of over-sharing.  But, truth is, I know no other way.  This is me dear reader.  Consequences be dammed.

As you all know, life has been difficult this last year.  2014 is almost over but for me it will always be the year of the miscarriage and tax audit (there is an insensitive joke here, but I will refrain).  Both experiences were traumatizing in very different ways.  I could be flippant here and say that I am not sure which was worse, but in fact, I know which one was worse.  Money is only money.  Getting pregnant via IVF and then having the proverbial rug pulled out from under me almost destroyed me.  I survived.  Just barely.  Excuse me if I am still a bit fragile.  

Where do I go from here?  It is a question I keep posing to myself in my head.  I am married so my decision making process on this issue has to be a collective one.  Thus, the real question is, where do we go from here?  My husband is getting weary of the dialogue.  But, I am still an individual with my own wants and desires and I do know what I want.  I want a baby.  A child.  I want to take care of someone else and be a mother.

Yes, that's what I want and I wish that I could imagine it into being.  If I was Harry Potter, I would wave my wand and make it happen.  One thing I do know for sure is that I will make a great mother.  For many years, I wasn't too sure.  The harshness of realizing that being a mom might not happen for me has made me realize how much I do want motherhood and how hard I am willing to work at it.  My kid will be loved to distraction.

I suppose for now, I am going to keep swimming.  I will put one foot in front of the other and keep on this journey of mine. I do not know where I am going.  I just know that I need to get there.

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