The point of it all

It is five am and I am typing to the sounds of my husband snoring and my dogs cleaning themselves.  Lately, my black and white shih-tzu Frodo has been waking me up at five am to go outside.  He alerts me in one of two ways, by growling like a mogwai or by scratching at the bed.  I grumble to myself but get up and open the sliding glass door.  Chewbaca (Chewie for short), our golden shih-tzu (golden in color only, not in behavior as he has been known to drink my coffee if left unattended) follows Frodo outside where they spend ten minutes peeing on trees and rocks and glaring at our German Shepard Neuron (I didn't name him obviously) who cowers in fear of the two smaller dogs.

Usually, I can't get back to sleep and play on Facebook while the rooster crows next door.  We live in a rural area and despite my love hate relationship with the high desert, for now, it's home.  Other times, I just lay in bed and think.

This morning time is a blessing really.  It is time just for me and my thoughts and while sometimes I focus on the negative, letting my anxiety take hold in a way that I know is not healthy, the reflection time is key to managing it all.

I am not my sister Annie.  I cannot run every day and be supermom and see life in a sunny light.  Nor am I my twin Jackie who pushes herself to exhaustion with her doctorate program and her swimming.   No, I am just me.   A former Goth girl who has always had a dark side.  My therapy is my creativity.  I need it.  My job is exhausting in a fulfilling way, but I have come to realize that as a public defender, I see so much misery that I need an escape.

I see people, young kids, going to prison every day and I can't cry the entire day at work although I may want to,  My heart hurts with the sadness of it all, but I don't show it.  I can't.  I have a job to do.  

That is why I need this.  I need the hope of the written word. Every writer has to be somewhat of an optimist to write. We writers have to believe that someone will read our words and be moved.  That what we have to say matters. That there is more light than dark in this universe.  And that, is the point.  I think.