I watched Gravity last night. I needed to divorce myself from reality and lose myself in a movie. Within minutes, I was lost in the stars and heavens of space and it was comforting. The movie reminded me that there is a God. There has to be. Or at the very least, I need there to be one. I'm selfish in that way I suppose. Agnostics and non-believers please be kind and let me keep my faith.
This melancholiness was brought on by the fact that a friend died a couple of days ago at the age of twenty-six. I am feeling tender. If someone touches me, I will bruise.
This friend who passed reminded me a lot of myself at that young age (another way of saying that I saw pieces of myself in her) and I am sad for the loss of her possibilities as well as her friendship. Her death made me see that we are all delicate plates on a shelf waiting to break. Fragile, that is what life is. And precious.
In modern day America we numb ourselves with television, multiple games of Candy Crush, texting and Facebook. It is easier to live life virtually than realistically. Why do I blast punk music in my car and sing the whole way to work? It must be to escape the drudgery of driving and the day to come. Because face it, work is often monotonous and life is hard. People die. There are wars and famine and tragedies.
At work yesterday, I had no mask on. My sadness was evident. I am often sad and usually hide it under a facade of cheerfulness. But I was too tired to pretend. My hair was frizzy and I had no makeup on. I sat at my desk like a zombie.
Dammit, I am tired of pretending with everything. I am tired of not seeking my dreams. What the hell am I waiting for? I have so many stories to tell. All of them mine.
For years, I have hesitated to apply to a summer writing conference in Vermont that is very competitive. I have been afraid that they would reject me. Last night, I threw caution to the wind. And somehow I knew it was meant to be because when I clicked on the applications page the deadline was March 1st. I had no time to think, I just dusted off my writing sample and applied.
After I applied. I crossed my heart and looked up. Into the heavens.
There is one.