When I was young, I never thought I would have kids. I have written before that I felt I was too damaged, irresponsible and/or crazy to be a parent. But, something about the memoir writing process of writing through my memories has made me reconsider and dare hope. To reproduce is defined as "to make a copy or a close replica of". That's not what I want. I want a chance at redemption.
On Thursday, I went to the fertility specialist and we are starting in vitro next month. I have started trying to visualize myself pregnant and have found myself saying annoying sentences starting with, "when I am pregnant..." My poor husband has to listen to these queries which range from the cliche to the ridiculous. "When I am pregnant will you go get me pickles and ice cream at midnight?" (cliche) "When I am pregnant will you rub my feet?" (cliche) "When I am pregnant will you make sure the dogs don't get jealous?" (how would he avoid that?) And finally, "when I am pregnant can you make sure I drink only Stevia flavored diet soda from Clark's?" (absurd)
There is something about saying those four words "when I am pregnant". I never let myself say those words before. Perhaps it was too disheartening to even try and visualize it. What if it didn't happen? I did not want to be broken by the process of wanting. I clearly am making progress because by saying those words I am opening up my heart to the possibility of a child. It is similar to the way I kept calling myself a writer and writing and now a mere seven years later, I feel like a writer most days. I still don't think I am a great writer or even a very good writer, but I write. I try. I put pen to page almost every day. I have even been called a disciplined writer which can be way more important than a talented writer.
That is what I hope happens with motherhood. That my persistence means something, I want the opportunity to be a mother and while I may not end up the most talented mother, I will give it one heck of a try. I will give it my all. Because in my life what I have found to be most true is that the things you work for and want and ask for, and sometimes even beg for, are the most valuable.