Today I have an appointment regarding my fertility. A forty something professional woman trying to get pregnant is a cliche I know, but here I am.
We waited too long to try and maybe the time has passed. "Those are negative thoughts, you have to think positive," my younger sister Annie told me when I expressed such feelings to her. "Read Joyce Myers," she counseled. She has kids and seems to think I can will it into reality.
There are so many things I want to do in the next year. I would love to finish my book. I will finish my book. It will be published and be a huge success. I can picture the book party. I am standing up reading before a large group of people and barely shaking at all. The Smiths are playing in the background. Adrian, my sisters and my mom are in the front row. The initial reviews for my book are splendid.
Why can I picture the book but not picture myself pregnant? Is it because I have less control over getting pregnant other than just trying (and we've been trying)? Or is it because I don't want to be disappointed?
I have written about this issue before but until now it was always theoretical. Now that I have followed through and finally made an appointment, it feels real and scarier.
What if they tell me it is an impossibility? What will I do? Buy another shih-tzu? Adopt? Cry?
It seems as if all I have are questions and no answers. And, as much as I want to sleep away the appointment, like I slept away my senior year of high school, I am getting out of bed, pulling on some clothes and getting in my car to drive to the appointment.
I will just wait and see what happens. If life is all about the journey then I am ready.
Hopefully, I don't run out of gas.