Panorama of San Bernardino

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Stressin out

I have been stressing out a lot lately.  It seems as if I am having a mini nervous breakdown on a daily basis.  The stress is not work related except in the sense that my job does not pay me enough money.  

But the reasons for my stress aside, I have decided as of today that I will try not to stress out.  Stress is toxic and ultimately counter productive.  For example, yesterday I was stressing out big time.  I was on the phone trying to take care of an issue while driving through Carl's Jr. to pick up my lunch (which in my attempt to lose weight before my fat girl surgery is a lettuce wrapped turkey burger and a Diet Coke).  I drove through the drive-thru and ordered and pulled up to the window to pay.  After I paid, I drove away. 

I returned to my office change in hand and thought to myself, where the fuck is my lunch (sorry for the cursing, but even my thinking is profane)?  As you probably guessed, my lunch was still at Carl's Jr and when I walked in, the cashiers were laughing.

The thing is, the stress did not solve anything.  It merely deprived me of the time it took me to drive back to get my lunch.  That evening, I took care of the issue (i.e., bill)  that stressed me out and felt better.  Still, I haven't slept well in about two weeks.  I wake up in the middle of the night stressing about everything wrong in my life.  In the moment between sleep and wakefulness, I feel myself start to stress and whisper a little prayer.  Sometimes, you just have to let go and I know I cannot solve my worries by myself.  I need divine intervention on this one. 

The question remains, however, how do I relieve my stress or combat it?  Easier said than done.  This afternoon after court, I had a another "episode".  My head felt as if it would explode.  I drove home from work a bit early and curled up on my bed and tried to relax.  My husband came home and asked me what was wrong.  I told him of the issue and he was very supportive.  He solved the problem.  Yet, the stress did not subside. 

Later, I was warming up tortillas for tacos for dinner and put my head in my hands.  "It's all too much," I told him.  "I am going to have a heart attack."

I went upstairs and tried to relax again.  It still didn't work.  My husband convinced me to go for a walk with him and the moms and as soon as I got outside, I felt a bit better.  The sun was out, the sky was clear and my mood began to lift.

We walked for about twenty minutes and now I can breathe.  Just breathe I tell myself, breathe in and out and let it all go.

1 comment:

  1. Oh I am with you sister. I go in and out of anxiety-mode all the time. It is the worst when it affects your sleep. Just a few nights ago I was up from 3-5 "solving" (not) all sorts of problems - in the middle of the fing night. It's so hard to pick a focus in the those moments. I also pray, everything from hail marys to the serenity/AA poem about courage and change and wisdom to imagining myself doing yoga sun salutations in each pose. And then I try to imagine something really great for myself/my family-thinking that I might as well be *manifesting* during this otherwise unproductive time. We live in a stressful world. To say the least. Last night I saw on the news this segment about "second-hand stress" being contagious. I was kind of laughing to myself about how desperate they are to come up with news segments these days. But it is also kind of true. I have a high energy stressed-out family member who I was around recently and it caused me anxiety for days. I think the single best solution is exercise. It releases endorphines and makes us sleep better at night. And there is always melatonin, which I keep by my bed just in case. Or Tylenol PM if things are really bad. Yoga is my savior. I keep meaning to start a meditation practice but am just too busy. lol. Your conclusion is the right answer. Just BREATHE. Just do the work that is put before you on a day to day basis. Show up. Be present. Try to stay in the moment. That is all we can do. Love you.