My seat wouldn't buckle on Sunday at Knott's Berry Farm. Hence, I am now officially a part of the humiliated fat person club along with director Kevin Smith. Smith was kicked off a Southwest flight for being too fat and is not bad company to be categorized with. The choice between being skinny or being the genius who made "Clerks" is an obvious one.
The evil ride at issue was the Joe Cool "skate" ride in Camp Snoopy, a little kid ride that looked like a humongous roller skate with seats attached. The ride swished back and fourth as it traveled up in the air similar to a Viking ship ride.
As we got ready to board, I thought to myself, "those seats look really small". I knew I should just forgo it and let my niece and nephew ride together. I mean why humiliate yourself if it's avoidable? Masochist that I am, I had to to try. We waited more than an hour and shoot, I wanted to ride that damn roller skate.
The teenager who worked there wasn't happy with me. As I squeezed my too womanly butt and hips into the seat and pulled down the large bar, she looked at me with skepticism and said in a robot like voice, "Seatbelt."
I looked back at her and attempted a charming smile. Maybe she would let me slide. It wasn't as if I was going to fall out because I was wedged in there so tight that I wasn't sure I could even get back out.
This girl enforcer wasn't playing. She picked up one end of the seat belt and said, "It needs to buckle" and motioned to the other side of the belt which sat hopeless in my hand. At that point, I gave up and tried for honesty as I responded, "It won't". Then I shrugged and gave her my woeful hound dog look to see if she would take pity on me.
No dice. "You can't ride then," she said. In one last sad attempt I tried to suck in my stomach and buckle the seat belt, but it was a no go and I finally gave up and heaved myself out of the seat. As I fell onto the landing, I looked at the large Santa-ish man who sat in the seat behind me with his granddaughter and thought, "How the fuck did he fit?"
Head down, I shuffled over to the waiting area with the parents. No one said anything so I wasn't sure if they had noticed the incident.
My family sure did. My husband and mom stood in the sun with their hands shading their eyes as they shook their heads in unison. I suspected my husband was trying not to laugh. My five year old niece Sophia exited the ride and said, "Auntie, maybe you won't fit on any ride!"
For the record, Sophia was wrong because I easily squeezed myself into both the short bus ride and the Tugboat Lucy ride.
By the way, that stupid evil skate ride lasted thirty seconds. If only I had known.
The whole horrible scenario made me think of a fact that I have known for quite a while. It's something I have even discussed with my therapist. I have reverse body image issues. I think I am skinny, but I am fat. It's as if I see myself in one of those fun house mirrors that stretches you out. Or maybe I know I am fat. but just forget sometimes. Selective amnesia.
I had the opposite problem when I was thin. When I was thin, I thought I was fat and was always trying to lose weight which made me gain weight. I look back at thin photos of myself and wonder what the hell was wrong with me. I was hot. I just didn't know it yet.
That's not to say I am not hot now because being skinny and being hot are too vastly different things. Hotness is confidence. It is about knowing who you are and loving yourself no matter what your weight. I think that's my problem, my self esteem is simply too high. I love myself too much and I know I still look hot in a classic black dress and high heels (albiet with Spanks).