Hazy days

It's a hazy day. The sky is grey with smog and it was in the nineties yesterday. It's fall but it doesn't feel like it. 

I get up early, then fall back asleep. I went to a Halloween party Friday night and wrenched my back doing the time warp dance.

Sometimes, I feel as if life is getting away from me. Time is passing me by. Time, time, time. 

So I am writing. Trying not to recall that it's the first Halloween without a dog for 16 years. No costumes to photograph for them. No punk rock shih tzu posts. But I do have my puppies coming in December.

So where do I go from here? It's 2024, I'm 53 years old and I'm feeling a bit lost. But I'll get found.  I will.  

5 am musings

It's 5 am. This is my magic time. I love to write at this time. I wake up, make an espresso and get to work. 

My brain sometimes works faster than my pen. I try to catch my thoughts. But I can't always capture it all. 

I used to write with Chewbacca right by my side. He would lay next to me. And now that he's not here, it's different.

In my writing class for my MFA, I wrote a piece, and so I will share that today. So here is an excerpt: 

We rush inside. They let us into her room. Jackie and Roberta are on their way. 

My mom's face is swollen and turning black and blue. Her whole forehead is cut open and her mouth is bleeding. Her nose is flat.  I think she broke it. 

She looks so tiny. Like a little bird who fell out of a nest.

"Mom, what happened?" She looks at me. Her voice warbles. "I tripped after you left and went face first into my oven. I'm sorry to be a mess."

"Mom, I'm just glad you're okay. They have to check you for a concussion. They say, after that you can go home and you can spend a couple of days with me."

"Or with me," Annie says. 

My mom looks at us. "Thank you girls."

Don't Worry Baby

I feel like I'm in crisis mode constantly. I'm always worrying about something. I have a lot of angst, and I know a lot of it is job related. My job is anxiety inducing by nature. It's a lot of stress.

What would make me happy I wonder? What if I could be anything? What would I choose to do with the rest of my life?

I need to think about that and sit with it. I don't want to lack direction. I want to know where I'm going. But I need a compass. 

In a month, I'll be giving a keynote to a group of Latina college students at CSUSB. It's an honor and a privilege. But what am I going to say? I need to think about how to frame my narrative in a way that illustrates that there's actually no need to worry. I've done okay. More than okay. I just need to remember that.

Maybe my life would be easier if I stopped growing and challenging myself. But that's something I cannot do. I have to be me. And I know I have to use these wings that I was given to reach high in the sky. I need to soar baby. No need to worry just fly. 

Dream the impossible

Change is on the horizon. I can feel it. Something big is coming and I am ready. 

I've had dreams for a long time. Big dreams. Some might say unrealistic dreams even. Dreams of the impossible. I've been chasing and tilting at windmills. My pen of a sword in the air. 

But somehow, I've always known that maybe, just maybe, my crazy dreams could come true. 

Maybe it was my mom teaching me to read at three that made me realize that I could do anything. My writing is something I've worked at and worked at for two decades almost. It hasn't been easy. At first, I didn't know if I could write. I put pen to paper and those first stories, they wobbled a bit. But eventually I found my voice and now it's like riding a bicycle. It feels natural. I put my feet to the pedals and I go. I just go for a ride. 

Performing was the same way. It took a while, but I learned to take my nervousness and turn it into excitement, turning my anxious energy into fuel. Now I just get up on stage and let go.

There's a lot of fear with wanting my dreams, the huge ones. What if it doesn't happen? Well what if? If so, then I still have a great life. I've found a beautiful garden of friends. I have my family. I'll always have that. 

But if I don't go where the universe leads me, despite my terror at being let down, I'll never know. And I know somehow, that this is meant to be. I feel it in my bones friends. The vibrations are real. 

So wish me luck.