A new jem

This weekend, I finally attended punk rock bowling in Vegas. It's a yearly music festival that features bowling in the morning and a huge musical festival every afternoon and evening. We had never been to the festival, so when I was invited by my punker friends to read at a bookstore called Avantpop Books that same weekend in Vegas, I jumped on it.

It was such a wonderful decision to say yes to the reading and music festival (we passed on the bowling) because it turned out that Billy Bragg, a famous punk singer, social justice activist, and writer who was also headlining the music fest, agreed to be part of our reading. His music was a huge part of my high school years, especially the song "A New England".

How could this all happen you ask? It's the magic of my buddy James Tracy sending an email to one of his music idols who happened to have a new book to market, a rock history nonfiction book called "Roots, Radicals and Rockers: How Skiffle Changed the World".  Bragg talked about it at length and the crowd was transfixed. 

My reading went well. It felt like kismet. To be on stage with my dear friend and punkera icon Michelle Cruz Gonzáles and with my idol Billy Bragg, along with the most amazing writers James Tracy, Mike Dunn, Jason Lamb and Paul Prescott, was so flipping epic. To see my husband in the audience, who I rarely let come to my readings because I'll cry (and the one time I stumbled on my words was when I caught his eye) was beautiful and fitting. When Billy Bragg whispered a sweet compliment in my ear after my reading, one I'll never forget, I hugged Billy tightly. It was the culmination of everything. 

And it feels like a brand new day.

Life part 2

There used to be a popular board game called Life. In some ways it was similar to Monopoly, but the goal was not just asset wealth, but getting one's life together by going to school, getting a job, and having a family. I used to play this game religiously as a kid. I tend to get obsessed with things and their wheel made a lil click click when it spun which I loved. 

In some ways, I suppose the game of Life was a form of indoctrination. It taught that the way to have a life was to do things in the right order. To make good and sensible choices. But maybe they're wrong. Maybe a life is whatever you make of it. Maybe there is no recipe or right or wrong way.

In fact, maybe the path to a perfect life is actually subverting the norm and choosing your own unique path and way.

I've been thinking about this a lot. About how I've followed a traditional path in some ways. It definitely didn't start out that way. It took me years and years to get through college after taking my GED. I waitressed my way through school, lived on my own and was very independent. But once I finally transferred to UCR, I was pretty traditional. Two years to get my bachelors, three years at USC Law, then six years in big law firm litigation. Now I have fifteen years in at the public defender, a government job. I got married to my long time boyfriend. We've been together forever. And even though we couldn't have kids, we have a nice stable life. 

So where do I go now is the question? Where is life leading me? Should I follow that perfect, but ordinary and narrow path? Or should I find my own way? Should I? Dare I?

I've been praying to the universe to show me the way. Hoping for change and that something big will happen. Wishing for a door to open and a light to turn on. I think to myself that maybe, just maybe, the sun will shine bright on me. In this game called Life. 

What do you want?

What do you want is a question that I keep asking myself. I'm getting older you see. My face lines are deepening. My back spasms are worsening. My anxiety is increasing then decreasing depending on the time of day and my dog's health. What you see is my public persona and everything seems hunky dory I know, but here, I tell the truth. 

Also decreasing with age, is my ability to handle bullshit. Right now, that ability is zero. I just don't see the point of being political. I'm just me. Look, I am friendly, creative, personable, empathetic and hopefully kind. But I'm also impatient and can get frustrated by others' unwillingness to pitch in. 

What I am saying here is that maybe I've reached my wits' end. I really don't want to answer to anyone but myself any longer. Yet, I've also worked very hard to be financially stable so in the end, pragmatism may win out.

But I also know that you can't grow without change. You have to take a risk to really see rewards. I know that I have the ability to do more. To see my work adapted to the stage and screen. I can see it in my mind's eye. 

And that is what I really want. 

Sun

So yesterday was a rough day at work. Yet it was exhilarating too. But it was exhausting and by that I mean, come home at 6:30 pm and take advil and go straight to bed exhausting. I fought and won a couple of big issues, yes, but that wasn't what was tiring. What made me some damn fatigued at the end of the day was all of the energy it took from me. It drained me like a vampire. I felt like I gave at least 5 pints of my blood.

I had more difficult (and patience requiring) cases in one day than I've had in years. It was a perfect storm of events. But the good news is, I wasn't alone. I had so much help and so many offers of help. It was nice. 

At the end of my work day, which just kept on going and going, I swear the universe wouldn't let me leave the office, I sighed. I thought, I still got it. Now I just need to replenish my energies because tomorrow is a new day. I can continue to fight the good fight. And win. 

By the way, every morning, I think, here comes the sun.

Today today today

Last post was a little dark. I have been in a bit of a funk. I was perseverating on everything. I miss my dad, I can't have kids, my dog is sick, work is overwhelming and school is too much. All the negativity was just hanging over me like my very own dark cloud. My moods would change from happy to irritated in a second.

But then, I just started laughing. Humor really is the very best medicine. I laughed when I got stuck in traffic, and when I lost my phone, then my keys, for what felt like the fiftieth time, and I even chuckled when I hit my car door on my garage at work. 

When you're in your fifties, I think it's easy to get down. To let the day to day drag you under the sea. It's important to remember to break through the waves and breathe. And breathe again. I saw my great nephew on Sunday and was reminded that youth is also a panacea to getting older, and watching him run around a playground reminded me to remember that a little kid is still inside each of us. 

I guess what I'm saying is that life can change in an instant. I know this. So I just need to appreciate the now, and the today. That might even be my mantra this week. When I get stressed out, I'll say it under my breath three times and click my heels: today, today, today. 

Dusty grave

It's a dusty grave

Too dusty of a grave

A dusty grave

I have my flowers 

Not gladiolus no lilies 

You were a simple man

Carnations and daisies 

A sunflower in the middle

For good measure

Kneeling in the dirt 

A salty tear

Lands in the grit 

I say "hi dad"

I miss you

I sure do

Words don't suffice 

They sure don't 

You'd be 88 today

You said I'd miss you

And I sure do 

All I see is glare

The sun shining 

so bright it hurts 

On your dusty grave