Today today today

Last post was a little dark. I have been in a bit of a funk. I was perseverating on everything. I miss my dad, I can't have kids, my dog is sick, work is overwhelming and school is too much. All the negativity was just hanging over me like my very own dark cloud. My moods would change from happy to irritated in a second.

But then, I just started laughing. Humor really is the very best medicine. I laughed when I got stuck in traffic, and when I lost my phone, then my keys, for what felt like the fiftieth time, and I even chuckled when I hit my car door on my garage at work. 

When you're in your fifties, I think it's easy to get down. To let the day to day drag you under the sea. It's important to remember to break through the waves and breathe. And breathe again. I saw my great nephew on Sunday and was reminded that youth is also a panacea to getting older, and watching him run around a playground reminded me to remember that a little kid is still inside each of us. 

I guess what I'm saying is that life can change in an instant. I know this. So I just need to appreciate the now, and the today. That might even be my mantra this week. When I get stressed out, I'll say it under my breath three times and click my heels: today, today, today. 

Dusty grave

It's a dusty grave

Too dusty of a grave

A dusty grave

I have my flowers 

Not gladiolus no lilies 

You were a simple man

Carnations and daisies 

A sunflower in the middle

For good measure

Kneeling in the dirt 

A salty tear

Lands in the grit 

I say "hi dad"

I miss you

I sure do

Words don't suffice 

They sure don't 

You'd be 88 today

You said I'd miss you

And I sure do 

All I see is glare

The sun shining 

so bright it hurts 

On your dusty grave 

Panic on the streets

I'm writing this blog post in the car driving back from Vegas. Well, I'm not driving, Adrian is, but as Iggy wrote, I am the passenger.

We took the moms with us and we had a great time. Yet, I know I am not always my best self what with the dog and the moms, it's a lot at times. At breakfast, Chewie started barking uncontrollably which is odd for him. Then, all of a sudden, I got tingles and felt light headed like I was gonna pass out. I realized, I was having a panic attack.

I'm not asking for sympathy here, or even empathy, because look, I know I overwhelm myself with school, work, my writing, and the podcast along with everything else I'm responsible for. 

I suppose I could take it easy and I wouldn't be spending the next three evenings writing a term paper on Hamlet and an insanity defense for school. I could spend my weekends organizing the house or laying by the pool or going to the beach instead of traveling to LA for writing events. Instead of working on my podcast, I could relax. But look, that's not me. 

So tingles or no tingles, I'm just gonna keep on going. I love it you see. It makes me happy to do all these things. I'll just take a deep breath and another and another until the tingles subside.

To thine own self be true

Hamlet has given us many notable quotes and one of them especially resonates with me today as I write this. The quote I'm referencing is from Polonius' monologue (Act 1 Scene 3) where he is giving advice to his son Laertes and states, "To thine own self be true." The reason it sits with me is because it's so applicable to one's creativity. 

Years back, I tried to place a story about my affinity and history for fast food with a foodie magazine. I had a great contact (the editor was a former teacher of mine) and thought it was a sure thing. The editor loved the essay. But then an assistant editor was assigned to work with me on it and all of a sudden, we were going back and fourth for weeks. Eventually I realized that the piece didn't sound like me after rounds and rounds of edits. So, I pulled it. 

It was disappointing. Back then, I only had a few publication credits and it was a big deal. But ultimately, I knew I'd made the right call because the story was such a part of me. It wasn't just about food. It was a story about my family, and my generation, along with my history, and my hometown and culture. 

More than a few years later, after leaving the essay in a drawer, I pulled it out and submitted the same piece to a food writing based radio show and podcast that I adored called The Dirty Spoon. They accepted the story which I had retitled as "Fast Food Memories" (you can find it here:  http://www.dirty-spoon.com/fast-food-memories/) almost immediately. 

Amazingly, they pretty much took it as it was and left it untouched except for a few minor edits. They hired an actress to read it and it went live on their radio show and then it was archived on their podcast. The two hosts also did a fantastic introduction where they talked about their own obsessions with fast food. 

What that experience taught me was to trust my voice and to always listen to my instincts. It made me realize how important it is to trust one's gut when you know a story is good. I knew it was a strong piece you see. I knew it.

It also taught me that not everyone will get my writing but many will, or at least some people will. And that's enough for me.  

Friday

Yes, it's Friday night. 645 pm. I'm in the bathtub. You know you're getting old when you start hanging out at 5 pm and you're done by 6 pm. I'm just so tired. 

It was a hectic week. Work was ridiculously busy and I had a very important evidentiary hearing. I can't really chat about it here, but it was key to the program I run. And I had to call a witness so it was important. 

But then I think, let it go. Work that is. The hearing went fine, great even. I suppose I'm just realizing how much the stress gets to me. It really impacts my health and wellness.

But stress is also just part of life regardless. Yet, I think if I didn't have people's freedom in my hands, I might be able to sleep. For now, I'll just continue to do what I do. I'll keep on fighting the good fight. And I'll breathe today, deep breaths in and out, and thank God it's Friday.

Talking with myself

Even though I get the numbers, and know people are reading my rants, it's weird because I still feel as if I am talking to myself. But I suppose if I was talking to myself live, and not on the page, people might worry. But I talk to my dog all the time, and even do his voice to answer myself back, so be afraid, be very afraid. 

Saturday was a joy filled day. I did an event at the Upland Library with the band Refrigerator. I can't describe their music well. It's too eclectic and defies genre. But they're frigging rad. I love the lead singer Allen's voice and their lyrics about the Inland Empire intersect nicely with my stories. Plus the rest of the band, Dennis (guitar), Mark (guitar), Daniel (stand up bass) and Chris (drums) just inspire me so. 

I met the band through Mark (of Pelekenesis) and Dennis (of Shrimper Records) who together own Bamboo Dart Press, who published my first book. They're both fabulous writers, and musicians, and they made my book dream true. I can't tell you how indebted to them I am. 

So Saturday defied my expectations. I always kick myself the day of an event. It's a lot at times. A lot of pressure. Why do I make my life hard and stress myself out? Why don't I just take it easy and play Yahtzee all day? I know the answer already, it's not in my nature. So I was there. The band was there. The plan was to have the band play a song, and then another song, then I would read a story, and then a couple more songs, then I would read another story, and so on. 

It was so amazing. The guys' songs were beautiful. They lingered in the air. Then I would read. It was pretty seamless. Then at the end, the band surprised me with a version of one of my social protest/justice poems in song form! I really can't capture it. I was just so overwhelmed with happiness. 

Joy is a hard thing to capture in words. Yet, I can say that when the band sang, I knew every word and sang along in my head. I was singing inside. My whole body was humming along. 

And when they played their song Colton, their words almost made me cry. Because who writes about Colton but us? Who else really and truly writes about and sees us Inland Empire grown up now but once latch key carrying kids from the 1970s and 1980s? 

We do. We write about it. Yes we do. 

"We can paint this town damn gray
We can count the ghosts on parade
We can hold our hands in the dark
Outside of Colton
Outside of Colton
Drunk and forgotten"

From Refrigerator's song Colton

Saying yes

I say yes to a lot of stuff. It's definitely harder for me (being a people pleaser) to say no but I'm learning because sometimes you have to. You have to learn to say no, so that when you do say yes, it's meaningful and intentional. You have to make the opportunities count. 

But saying yes brings the most blessings. It does. It can bring struggles and challenges, but usually the "yes" creates amazing experiences that you will never forget. And the "yes" will lead to more opportunities. Doors will open that you thought were locked. You had knocked on them for so very long. And then, the doors swing open as if by magic.

When I said yes to my vodcast all those years ago, it was on a whim. My friend from childhood, who was a radio show host, was starting a vodcast company and was looking for talent. She thought I might be able to do it. So I said yes. I tried. And guess what? I found a talent I never knew I had for performing and interviewing. Turns out, I'm kind of a theater kid. I was almost 49 when I realized this! How had I not discovered this? I always knew I was a ham, just ask my husband. He says it's my world and we're all just living in it. Truth. 

Then my MFA. It wasn't easy to decide to take it on while working full-time, but I decided to turn down my brick and mortar funded offer (which would require me to quit my job and lose my pension) and I found an online, very part time program at University of New Orleans that worked for me. So I said yes, but only to what was practical for me at the time. I'm a pragmatist at my core. Ask anyone. Even in practicing law, I'm always thinking, how do I get what I want for my client in the most pragmatic way? In theory, and in my writing, I am an idealist but in practice, I'm a realist. 

Then, what about events? I say yes to those too. My friend asked me to perform with his epic band at a library. Yes, it made me anxious. My knees were knocking just to imagine such a scary event where I would be on display and what if I couldn't perform up to the level I needed to? But then, I said frack it! Why not try? And then I prepared and prepared and I consulted and listened to their set list and put my reading list together and thought, okay, this will work!

There's more to talk about, but I think I will leave those thoughts and experiences for a second blog. But for now, I would urge you to say yes!